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Some people believe that women should be treated as equal to men when applying for a job with police or military. Other think that women are less suitable for this kind of job. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.1

Some people believe that women should be treated as equal to men when applying for a job with police or military. Other think that women are less suitable for this kind of job. v. 1
According to some people, women should be given equal importance as men for job applications such as military whereas others believe that women are less capable of doing this kind of jobs. In my opinion, gender shouldn’t be a factor while choosing the right candidate and women possess more abilities as compared to men in any field. Women should be given opportunities to showcase their talent to join the national defence as compared to men. To begin with, women are actively taking part in swimming, karate, weightlifting and depicts the competitive nature comparatively. This shows their mental and physical strength which is the utmost importance when joining the police force or military. For instance, a majority of games in the Olympics such as shooting, wrestling are played by women and have won medals in the respective field, highly encouraging other women for participation. Thus, women should be considered equal to men, even if the job application is for defending the country. Some people think that women are not capable to carry out certain jobs due to various reasons. Firstly, people believe that physical strength is vital to become a police officer or join military and women have less stamina for the job. For example, while catching a thief, law enforcement officer needs to run fast to get hold of the burglar. Secondly, few women prefer to stay at home and look after their toddler or in laws, whereas some women are intrigued by the corporate jobs. Thus, working as police or in the military should totally depend on the women herself rather than judging her physical power. To conclude, while some opinion may vary, I have a firm conviction that women should be treated equally as compared to men and jobs to serve the nation should be offered to the suitable candidate irrespective of the gender.
According to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
equal importance as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
applications such as military whereas others believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are less capable of doing this kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
. In my opinion, gender shouldn’t be a factor while choosing the right candidate and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
possess more abilities as compared to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
in any field.

Women should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
opportunities to showcase their talent to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
the national
Possible spelling mistake. 'defence' is British English.
defence
as compared to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are
actively
taking part in swimming, karate, weightlifting and depicts the competitive nature
comparatively
. This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
their mental and physical strength which is the utmost importance when joining the police force or military.
For instance
, a majority of games in the Olympics such as shooting, wrestling
are played
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
and have won medals in the respective field,
highly
encouraging other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
for participation.
Thus
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
should
be considered
equal to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
, even if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
application is for defending the country.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are not capable to carry out certain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
due to various reasons.
Firstly
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that physical strength is vital to become a police officer or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
military and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
have less stamina for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
.
For example
, while catching a thief, law enforcement officer needs to run
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
hold of the burglar.
Secondly
, few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
prefer to stay at home and look after their toddler or in laws, whereas
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are intrigued
by the corporate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
.
Thus
, working as police or in the military should
totally
depend on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
herself
rather
than judging her physical power.

To conclude
, while
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
opinion may vary, I have a firm conviction that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
should
be treated
Use either "equally" or "as" on its own. When comparing two nouns, use "just as".
equally as
compared to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
to serve the nation should
be offered
to the suitable candidate irrespective of the gender.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that women should be treated as equal to men when applying for a job with police or military. Other think that women are less suitable for this kind of job. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
306 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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