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Some people believe that what children watch on television influences their behaviour. Others say that amount of time spent watching television influences their behaviour. Discuss both views and give own opinion v.2

Some people believe that what children watch on television influences their behaviour. Others say that amount of time spent watching television influences their behaviour. 2
Over the last two decades, the technology has improved tremendously. After the advent of television, the world we live has seen significant changes. However, there are some demerit as well with watching television. Some people think that the behaviour of the children changed due to some western shows and other think that children's behaviour changed because of most of the time spent on watching television. Following passage will discuss both the arguments, but in my viewpoint, both arguments are correct and it indirectly affects the children's attitude. Firstly, the television is one of the great technology where we receive updated information from every corner of the world in a fraction of seconds. People of all the ages watch the television at least 3 hours in a day. Due to this, television has become a good source of advertisement. Few ads are copied from the western countries and they are cast directly into the local channels. Television is watched with the family members and children under maturity age also watching these ads and getting influenced. Secondly, the television is grown as a vast from the last ten years and there are around thousands of channels to entertain us. For instance, cartoon channels for Children, game show channels for youngsters and serials for adults. Consequently, people are sticking to the television for hours. People are becoming inactive/lazy because the only physical activity required is to press one button. After having considered all the points that I have discussed above, we can draw to a conclusion that both the arguments have a significant effect on children's attitude. Parents and the government intervention required to overcome from these issues.
Over the last two decades, the technology has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
tremendously
. After the advent of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
, the world we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
significant
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
.
However
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
Possible agreement error. Did you mean "demerits"?
demerit
as well
with watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that the
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
of the children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
due to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
western
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
and other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that children's
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of most of the time spent on watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
. Following passage will discuss both the arguments,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
in my viewpoint, both arguments are correct and it
indirectly
affects the children's attitude.

Firstly
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
is one of the great technology where we receive updated information from every corner of the world in a fraction of seconds.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
of all the ages
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
at least 3 hours in a day. Due to this,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
has become a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
source of advertisement. Few ads
are copied
from the western
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
countries and
they
are cast
directly
into the local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
channels
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Television
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watched
with the family members and children under maturity age
also
watching these ads and getting influenced.

Secondly
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
is grown
as a vast from the last ten years and there are around thousands of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
channels
to entertain us.
For instance
, cartoon
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
channels
for Children, game
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
channels
for youngsters and serials for adults.
Consequently
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are sticking to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
for hours.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
are becoming inactive/lazy
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
physical activity required is to press one button.

After having considered all the points that I have discussed above, we can draw to a conclusion that both the arguments have a significant effect on children's attitude. Parents and the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
intervention required to overcome from these issues.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
17Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that what children watch on television influences their behaviour. Others say that amount of time spent watching television influences their behaviour. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
275 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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