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Some people say that what children watch influences their behaviour. Others believe the amount of time they spend on television influences their behaviour most. Discuss both view and give your opinion. v.2

Some people say that what children watch influences their behaviour. Others believe the amount of time they spend on television influences their behaviour most. v. 2
People have different views about whether it is the content of TV programs or the length of time spent on watching them has more significant impacts on children. While the amount of time devoted affects preschoolers, I would argue that content viewed has a more marked influence on them. On the one hand, the consequences of watching TV for long periods could be detrimental to the youngster. Firstly, the longer the children are exposed to programs broadcasted, the more likely it is for them to be addictive over time. If children are too over-reliant on TV for entertainment, they might neglect the outdoor activities, resulting in a sedentary lifestyle that is highly harmful to their physical health. Secondly, excessive time for TV watching would impair the children’s communication. For example, if children spend too much time in front of the TV screen, they are discouraged from interaction with others. Gradually, this habit would exclude them from their social lives and hinder their development of living skills as well as mental health. On the other hand, I strongly believe that the content shown on the screen have the most direct effects on the behavior of young viewers. The broadcasted images from TV could present inappropriate materials for teenagers such as violence, sex, and abusive language. When youngsters are unable to distinguish between the right and wrong at their age, they tend to adopt improper behaviors seen on TV. For instance, scenes of violence in movies typically showing poor examples for manner could make these adolescents fall under the impression that brutal and fighting is the feature of manliness and charm, later ending up the potential risk of committing a serious crime in the future. In conclusion, while time duration for sitting behind the screen has its own implication for children's behaviour and personality, it seems to me that the factor with more considerable impacts on shaping a child’s value is the content.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
views about whether it is the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
content
of TV programs or the length of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
spent on watching them has more significant impacts on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. While the amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
devoted affects preschoolers, I would argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
content
viewed has a more marked influence on them.

On the one hand, the consequences of watching TV for long periods could be detrimental to the youngster.
Firstly
, the longer the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are exposed
to programs broadcasted, the more likely it is for them to be addictive over
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are too over-reliant on TV for entertainment, they might neglect the outdoor activities, resulting in a sedentary lifestyle
that is
highly
harmful to their physical health.
Secondly
, excessive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for TV watching would impair the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
communication.
For example
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
spend too much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in front of the TV screen, they
are discouraged
from interaction with others.
Gradually
, this habit would exclude them from their social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
and hinder their development of living
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
as well
as mental health.

On the other hand
, I
strongly
believe that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
content
shown on the screen have the most direct effects on the behavior of young viewers. The broadcasted images from TV could present inappropriate materials for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
such as violence, sex, and abusive language. When youngsters are unable to distinguish between the right and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
at their age, they tend to adopt improper behaviors
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
on TV.
For instance
, scenes of violence in movies
typically
showing poor examples for manner could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
these adolescents fall under the impression that brutal and fighting is the feature of manliness and charm, later ending up the potential
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of committing a serious crime in the future.

In conclusion
, while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
duration for sitting behind the screen has its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
implication for children's
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
and personality, it seems to me that the factor with more considerable impacts on shaping a child’s value is the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
content
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
15Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people say that what children watch influences their behaviour. Others believe the amount of time they spend on television influences their behaviour most. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
321 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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