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Some people believe that violence on television and in computer games has a damaging effect on the society. Others deny that these factors have any significant influence on people's behavior. What is your opinion? v.2

Some people believe that violence on television and in computer games has a damaging effect on the society. Others deny that these factors have any significant influence on people's behavior. What is your opinion? v. 2
Some people argue that violence on television and in computer games would affect the society in a harmful manner, while others take the view that these factors do not have any significant effects on the behaviour of the individuals. The violent content put out in the world does affect people sometimes to an extreme level where it motivates people to hurt others even more than usual, that being said, it does not instill ideas on the ones that, originally, do not have any intentions to hurt others. The programs that are being put on television should take measures, such that they do not include extreme violence. Individuals who does not have any plans on hurting others, but rather, they are not mentally stable or have been through certain situations, then, such violent programs or video games might trigger them into having thoughts to hurt others. For instance, a real life crime involves two girls at young ages, around 11 years old, and they were insipred to murder a friend of theirs, because they were affected by a comic which revolves around a fictional character, namely, the slender man. On the contrary, currently, such violent video games are being played by millions of people all around the world and the majority of them have not inflicted any kind of harm onto others. Hence, it is arguable that, they do not affect the entire society in a negative manner, just a few ones. But the harm done by these few individuals is extreme. However, if people are exposed to such violent actions, they might learn from them, as a result, gain awareness and take their own protective measures and be careful. In conclusion, the violence depicted in the media does not have dangerous effects on the society, rather, it affects the ones who are not mentally normal, and it gives those kinds of people more ideas and might intensify the damages that they might have caused, in the absence of such violence in our current media. Therefore, in my opinion, they do not significantly affect the society.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
on television and in computer games would
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
affect
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
Consider replacing "in a harmful manner" with the adverb for "harmful"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a harmful manner
, while others take the view that these factors do not have any significant effects on the
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
of the individuals. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
content put out in the world
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
does
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
affect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
to an extreme level where it motivates
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to hurt others even more than usual, that
being said
, it
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
does
not instill
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
that,
originally
, do not have any intentions to hurt others.

The programs that are
being put
on television should take measures, such that they do not include extreme
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
. Individuals who
Did you mean "do"? Alternatively, check whether the singular of 'Individuals' should be used.
does
not have any plans on hurting others,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
rather
, they are not mentally stable or have been through certain situations, then, such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
programs or video games
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
trigger them into having thoughts to hurt others.
For instance
, a real life crime involves two girls at young ages, around 11 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
, and they were
Possible spelling mistake found.
insipred
to murder a friend of theirs,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they were
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by a comic which revolves around a fictional character,
namely
, the slender
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
.

On the contrary
,
currently
, such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
video games are
being played
by millions of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
all around the world and the majority of them have not inflicted any kind of harm onto others.
Hence
, it is arguable that, they do not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
affect
the entire
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
in a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
manner,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
a few
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ones
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
the harm done by these few individuals is extreme.
However
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are exposed
to such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
actions, they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
learn from them,
as a result
, gain awareness and take their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
protective measures and be careful.

In conclusion
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
depicted in the media
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
does
not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
effects on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
,
rather
, it
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
affects
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
who are not mentally normal, and it gives those kinds of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
intensify the damages that they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
have caused, in the absence of such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
in our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
media.
Therefore
, in my opinion, they do not
significantly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
affect
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
34Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay Some people believe that violence on television and in computer games has a damaging effect on the society. Others deny that these factors have any significant influence on people's behavior. What is your opinion? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
345 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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