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Some people believe that violence on television and in computer games has a damaging effect on the society. Others deny that these factors have any significant influence on people's behavior. What is your opinion? v.16

Some people believe that violence on television and in computer games has a damaging effect on the society. Others deny that these factors have any significant influence on people's behavior. What is your opinion? v. 16
It is argued by some politicians and media authorities that the media has been affected human behaviour and it leads to significant damage within the society, whereas others claim that there is no proof of a connection between media and human behaviour. I strongly support the idea that video games and especially visual media have a huge impact on human’s attitude and causes corruption on the societies. Firstly, there is a fact that all human beings act in according to what they watch or see since the baby age. Moreover, some authorities warn the parents about the harmful effect of TVs and videos over babies and teenagers. For example, if children are experienced to violent on a series, they could understand that it is normal behaviour between people, and they would treat in the same way to friends. In fact, not only a teenager, but also adult people might be affected by visual media. Majority of uneducated people believe that the main characters in films or series are real, afterwards, they tend to be like those characters. For example, there was a famous tv series whose name is “Kurtlar Vadisi” in Turkey. Some people had been continuing their life as one of these characters for many years until the series has been cancelled. Secondly, the popularity of video games has grown since the invention of computers and portable devices. Unfortunately, people in every age group are able to access the games, instead, I believe that there should be a restriction. In the contemporary world, teenagers want to be adult at the earliest time, so they tend to play adult or +18 video games. Just due to that reason, thousands of teenagers have been addicted to drugs and alcohols, unfortunately, some of them have died. According to academic research published by WHO, approximately 750. 000 teenagers have been an addiction to drugs. In conclusion, in the light of information given above, I would say that social platforms and especially media have a significant impact on people’s daily life, and most importantly, on societies. That’s the reason why I strongly believe that the authorities in each country should set the rules about the restriction of using television and video games according to age groups.
It
is argued
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
politicians and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
authorities that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
has been
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
human
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
and it leads to significant damage within the society, whereas others claim that there is no proof of a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
connection between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
human
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
. I
strongly
support the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
and
especially
visual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
have a huge impact on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
human’s
attitude and causes corruption on the societies.

Firstly
, there is a fact that all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
human
beings act in according to what they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
since the baby age.
Moreover
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
authorities warn the parents about the harmful effect of TVs and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
videos
over babies and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
.
For example
, if children
are experienced
to violent on a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
series
, they could understand that it is normal
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, and they would treat
in the same way
to friends. In fact, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenager
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
adult
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
might be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by visual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
. Majority of uneducated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that the main characters in films or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
series
are real, afterwards, they tend to be like those characters.
For example
, there was a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
Possible spelling mistake found.
tv
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
series
whose name is “
Possible spelling mistake found.
Kurtlar
Possible spelling mistake found.
Vadisi
” in Turkey.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
had been continuing their life as one of these characters for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
years until the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
series
has
been cancelled
.

Secondly
, the popularity of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
has grown since the invention of computers and portable devices. Unfortunately,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in every age group are able to access the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
,
instead
, I believe that there should be a restriction. In the contemporary world,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
want to be adult at the earliest time,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they tend to play adult or +18
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Just
due to that reason, thousands of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
have
been addicted
to drugs and alcohols, unfortunately,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of them have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
died
. According to academic research published by
Did you mean "whom"?
WHO
, approximately 750. 000
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
have been an addiction to drugs.

In conclusion
, in the light of information
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
above, I would say that social platforms and
especially
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
have a significant impact on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
daily life, and most
importantly
, on societies. That’s the reason why I
strongly
believe that the authorities in each country should set the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
about the restriction of using television and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
according to age groups.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that violence on television and in computer games has a damaging effect on the society. Others deny that these factors have any significant influence on people's behavior. What is your opinion? v. 16

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
372 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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