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Nowadays, people of all ages from certain part of the world spends most time at home rather than going outdoors. Discuss the reasons, is this negative or positive development? v.1

Nowadays, people of all ages from certain part of the world spends most time at home rather than going outdoors. Discuss the reasons, is this negative or positive development? v. 1
It is commonly observed that people are increasing spending more time indoors rather than going out in the nature. There are various factors contributing to this social behavior and I see this, as a negative development in the society. People are staying indoors because it offers them comfort, and opportunity to enjoy their favorite hobbies. Adults prefer to watch TV serial after long working hours, while children are more inclined towards virtual reality games which are played on screens as well. Furthermore, indoor environment can be controlled according to the individuals needs and preferences. For instance, if an elderly person is feeling cold, because of the harsh weather, he can simply choose to stay inside and switch on the heating system. Therefore, it is more relaxing and enjoyable to say at home. However, this behavior has various detrimental effects on individuals’ health. Firstly, by opting to stay indoors, people are choosing the sedentary lifestyle. Various research concluded that if a person is sitting more than 10 hours/day, he is causing an irreversible damage to his limbs. In addition, spending most of the time at an apartment is linked to obesity. If a person does not move much, or exercise on regular basis, he will be extra pounds to his weight, which is considered as the leading cause to most of the diseases, such as diabetes and heart burns. To conclude, in the certain areas of the world, public lifestyle choices are being shifting from outdoor activities towards indoor. It is a negative development in the people lifestyle, because it has hazardous effects on their health. It is recommended that people must spend some time outside in the nature.
It is
commonly
observed that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are increasing spending more time indoors
rather
than going out in the nature. There are various factors contributing to this social behavior and I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
this, as a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
development in the society.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
are staying indoors
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it offers them comfort, and opportunity to enjoy their favorite hobbies. Adults prefer to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
TV serial after long working hours, while children are more inclined towards virtual reality games which
are played
on screens
as well
.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
indoor
environment can
be controlled
according to the individuals needs and preferences.
For instance
, if an elderly person is feeling
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cold
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the harsh weather, he can
simply
choose to stay inside and switch on the heating system.
Therefore
, it is more relaxing and enjoyable to say at home.

However
, this behavior has various detrimental effects on individuals’ health.
Firstly
, by opting to stay indoors,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are choosing the sedentary lifestyle. Various research concluded that if a person is sitting more than 10 hours/day, he is causing
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "irreversible damage".
an irreversible damage
to his limbs.

In addition
, spending most of the time at an apartment
is linked
to obesity. If a person does not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
much, or exercise on regular basis, he will be extra pounds to his weight, which
is considered
as the leading cause to most of the diseases, such as diabetes and heart burns.

To conclude
, in the certain areas of the world, public lifestyle choices are being shifting from outdoor activities towards
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
indoor
. It is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
development in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
lifestyle,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it has hazardous effects on their health. It
is recommended
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
time outside in the nature.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
6Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Nowadays, people of all ages from certain part of the world spends most time at home rather than going outdoors. Discuss the reasons, is this negative or positive development? v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
278 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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