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Some people believe that unpaid community service should be a compulsory part of high school programmes (for example working for a charity, improving the neighborhood or teaching sports to younger children). To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.2

Some people believe that unpaid community service should be a compulsory part of high school programmes (for example working for a charity, improving the neighborhood or teaching sports to younger children). v. 2
It is argued by some that volunteering must be made mandatory in the education system. This essay completely agrees with the view that it ought to be indispensable if it is a part of the school curriculum. Firstly, this essay will discuss how it enhances the intellectual skills and secondly, analysis the importance of getting a job. Working for a charity helps to develop soft skills. What is more important to excel is by improving the intellectual skills, such as team building, problem-solving, and concept formation and not restricting with academic knowledge. To illustrate this, a survey conducted in IBM, Bangalore in 2016, showed that the performance of employees, who have taken such programmes, were distinct from those who did not indulge in such activities. In addition, confining with the subjects, namely maths and science, in the school curriculum will curb the lateral thinking capacity. Another point to consider is the experience that added value in building the profile in finding a better career prospect. This is because in the competitive job market one has to sell their skills in fetching a suitable occupation for a comfortable living.  For instance, National Credit Corps certification is considered as one of the desired qualifications in getting a few government jobs like in the Army. However, by learning only technical and traditional subjects will also acquire a decent career. In conclusion, unpaid work has to be made essential in the school curriculum because of the importance of compounding the additional skills with academic knowledge and finding a job for a better living.
It
is argued
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
that volunteering
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be made
mandatory in the education system. This essay completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agrees
with the view that it ought to be indispensable if it is a part of the school curriculum.
Firstly
, this essay will discuss how it enhances the intellectual 
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and
secondly
, analysis the importance of getting a job.

Working for a charity
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to develop soft
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
.
What is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to excel is by improving the intellectual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
, such as team building, problem-solving, and concept formation and not restricting with academic knowledge. To illustrate this, a survey conducted in IBM, Bangalore in 2016,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
that the performance of employees, who have taken such
Possible spelling mistake. 'programmes' is British English.
programmes
, were distinct from those who did not indulge in such activities.
In addition
, confining with the subjects,
namely
Possible spelling mistake. 'maths' is British English.
maths
and science, in the school curriculum will curb the lateral thinking capacity.

Another point to consider is the experience that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
added
value in building the profile in finding a better career prospect. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
in the competitive job market one
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
sell their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
in fetching a suitable occupation for a comfortable living.  
For instance
, National Credit Corps certification
is considered
as one of the desired qualifications in getting a few
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
jobs like in the Army.
However
, by learning
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
technical and traditional subjects will
also
acquire a decent career.

In conclusion
, unpaid work
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
be made
essential in the school curriculum
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the importance of compounding the additional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
with academic knowledge and finding a job for a better living.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
4Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that unpaid community service should be a compulsory part of high school programmes (for example working for a charity, improving the neighborhood or teaching sports to younger children). v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
254 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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