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Some people believe that to give opportunities to the new generation companies should encourage high level employees who are older than 55 to retire. Do you agree or disagree? v.4

Some people believe that to give opportunities to the new generation companies should encourage high level employees who are older than 55 to retire. v. 4
It is often argued that senior employees who are 55 and above should be encouraged to consider the new version of corporations. I do not agree with the statement because retirement age is no longer relevant and within the new developments a one can easily remote work without sacrificing the luxury of retirement life. Due to the new life expectancy developments, the retirement age need to change. As people live longer than before, there are more rooms to be productive and continuing to produce for an individual. Therefore, people who are reaching the retiree age, need to be supported to stay in the business life. Since they have qualified, experienced and wisdom of years in their jobs, they can be supervisors to new ones. For instance, a recent research about office productivity showed that the more varied the employee age categories, the more successful the business. This is because of interaction and knowledge exchanges between the young and the elderly ones. Additionally, nowadays the face of maintaining a business has been changed, as the online platforms offer varied options and solutions to the companies. For example, since in many work places, job tasks became digitalised, there is no need to be present in the office environment as long as employees have their laptops with them. This new situation shows, the old nine to five work schedules can be changed, and remote working would take its place. Therefore, the senior workers might enjoy their peaceful retiree life while still continuing to work from their homes with less commuting and tight office programs. To conclude, within the new technological developments to corporations’ elderly employees should be supported to stay in work life. This is because they can share their business wisdom with the new comers while they can enjoy the comfort of their home working as a remote.
It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
argued that senior
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
who are 55 and above should
be encouraged
to consider the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
version of corporations. I do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the statement
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
retirement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
is no longer relevant and within the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
developments a one can
easily
remote
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
without sacrificing the luxury of retirement life.

Due to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
expectancy developments, the retirement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
need to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
. As
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
longer than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
, there are more rooms to be productive and continuing to produce for an individual.
Therefore
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who are reaching the retiree
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
, need to
be supported
to stay in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. Since they have qualified, experienced and wisdom of years in their jobs, they can be supervisors to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
ones.
For instance
, a recent research about office productivity
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
that the more varied the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employee
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
categories, the more successful the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of interaction and knowledge exchanges between the young and the elderly ones.

Additionally
, nowadays the face of maintaining a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
has been
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
, as the online platforms offer varied options and solutions to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
.
For example
, since in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
places, job tasks became
Possible spelling mistake. 'digitalised' is British English.
digitalised
, there is no need to be present in the office environment as long as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
have their laptops with them. This
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
situation
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
, the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
nine to five
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
schedules can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
, and remote working would take its place.
Therefore
, the senior workers might enjoy their peaceful retiree
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
while
still
continuing to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
from their homes with less commuting and tight office programs.

To conclude
, within the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
technological developments to corporations’ elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
should
be supported
to stay in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they can share their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
wisdom with the
Did you mean "newcomers"?
new comers
while they can enjoy the comfort of their home working as a remote.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
With languages, you are at home anywhere.
Edward De Waal

IELTS essay Some people believe that to give opportunities to the new generation companies should encourage high level employees who are older than 55 to retire. v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
306 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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