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Some people believe that to give opportunities to the new generation companies should encourage high level employees who are older than 55 to retire. Do you agree or disagree v.1

Some people believe that to give opportunities to the new generation companies should encourage high level employees who are older than 55 to retire. v. 1
There is a general consensus amongst scholars that supporting the new generations for having a job is bearing a great impact on societies. Some people argue that giving opportunities to young population should be considered by companies, while high level experienced employees can be persuaded to be retired. However i contend that young and old people could be supported for work. The reasons are two fold. On the one hand, clearly, dedicating occupation for young individuals can revolutionize the country exponentially high. Undoubtedly, since low age staffs or workers are immensely educated, with updated knowledge, solving country problems can be with less difficulties. Moreover, they can enhance the community by innovative ideas due to having wide horizon. This is not only due to their brilliant know-how, but also having some academic skills. Therefore, if company allocate an appropriate vicinity in brilliant job positions for young adults, much benefit will come for employers. Furthermore, Not having essential expertises in lower ages seems to be a real pitfall for retiring old staffs. It is absolutely manifest that providing an incredible product require sufficient abilities at work. So it is a vital point to keep high ranked staffs to improve factory. Thus, getting rid of people who working in the upper ages (more than 55) may be mistaken. The existing data provide a concrete foundation to conclude that although having a job opportunity is vitally important specially for new generation, maintaining retired people is necessary as well. Therefore, both generations can work together.
There is a
Consider using "consensus".
general consensus
amongst scholars that supporting the new generations for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
a job is bearing a great impact on societies.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
argue that giving opportunities to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
population should
be considered
by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
, while high level experienced employees can
be persuaded
to
be retired
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
However
Is this the personal pronoun "I"? It is spelled uppercase.
i
contend that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
could
be supported
for work. The reasons are
The adjective or adverb 'twofold' needs to be written as one word.
two fold
.

On the one hand,
clearly
, dedicating occupation for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
individuals can revolutionize the country
exponentially
high.
Undoubtedly
, since low age staffs or workers are
immensely
educated, with updated knowledge, solving country problems can be with
Did you mean "fewer"? The noun difficulties is countable.
less
difficulties.
Moreover
, they can enhance the community by innovative
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
due to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
wide horizon. This is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
due to their brilliant know-how,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
academic
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.
Therefore
, if
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
allocate an appropriate vicinity in brilliant job positions for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
adults, much benefit will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
for employers.

Furthermore
, Not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
essential expertises in lower ages seems to be a real pitfall for retiring
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
staffs. It is
absolutely
manifest that providing an incredible product require sufficient abilities at work.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
it is a vital point to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
high ranked staffs to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
factory.
Thus
, getting rid of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who working in the upper ages (more than 55) may
be mistaken
.

The existing data provide a concrete foundation
to conclude
that although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
a job opportunity is
vitally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
specially
for new generation, maintaining retired
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
is
necessary
as well
.
Therefore
, both generations can work together.
15Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
13Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes
He who knows no foreign languages know nothing of his own.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

IELTS essay Some people believe that to give opportunities to the new generation companies should encourage high level employees who are older than 55 to retire. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
250 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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