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Some people believe that to be a successful sportsperson, one needs to have a natural ability. Others think that hard work and practice are more important. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.3

Some people believe that to be a successful sportsperson, one needs to have a natural ability. Others think that hard work and practice are more important. v. 3
It is often thought that people who are in employment spend less or no time on gym or other activities during their days, whether it is their working day or their spare time. However, this can be the cause of medical problems. In the next paragraphs, I will discuss the reason and what can be done to prevent it. First of all, the main cause can be the busy schedule. The reason for this is that a lot of people are having other priorities after finishing work, which need to be done as well. On top of that, most of the duties are permitted to perform, to make the day go well. For instance, preparing the dinner for the family and performing the household chores to keep everything tidy and organised. So that's why it is a bit more difficult to manage the time and make some spare hours for exercise. One of the main solutions can be to drop down with the working hours. The reason for this is that this way there will be more free time for yourself to spend on your health. Moreover, this can also be effective for the future life. For example, going to the fitness will decrease the chance to develop any illnesses, such as diabetic and heart problems. In other words, it is more significant to look after your diet and lifestyle to avoid this situation in the upcoming years. All in all, it is better to drop the employment hours. To conclude, a lot of people don't to that much exercise or do not make time for it even when not after the work of in their free time, which can have health problems as a result. One of the reasons can be that it is hard to make time for yourself, because of the huge amount of duties. Although, to stay safe from diseases, it is better to decrease the amount of working days.
It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who are in employment spend less or no
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on gym or other activities during their days, whether it is their working day or their spare
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.
However
, this can be the cause of medical problems. In the
next
paragraphs, I will discuss the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
and what can
be done
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
it.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, the main cause can be the busy schedule. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
for this is that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are having other priorities after finishing work, which need to
be done
as well
.
On top of that
, most of the duties
are permitted
to perform, to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
the day go well.
For instance
, preparing the dinner for the family and performing the household chores to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
everything tidy and
Possible spelling mistake. 'organised' is British English.
organised
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
that's why it is a bit more difficult to manage the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
spare hours for exercise.

One of the main solutions can be to
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "drop".
drop down
with the working hours. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
for this is that this way there will be more free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for yourself to spend on your health.
Moreover
, this can
also
be effective for the future life.
For example
, going to the fitness will decrease the chance to develop any illnesses, such as diabetic and heart problems.
In other words
, it is more significant to look after your diet and lifestyle to avoid this situation in the upcoming years. All in all, it is better to drop the employment hours.

To conclude
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
don't to that much exercise or do not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for it even when not after the work of in their free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, which can have health problems
as a result
. One of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
can be that it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for yourself,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the huge amount of duties. Although, to stay safe from diseases, it is better to decrease the amount of working days.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
One language sets you in a corridor for life. Two languages open every door along the way.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Some people believe that to be a successful sportsperson, one needs to have a natural ability. Others think that hard work and practice are more important. v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
324 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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