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Some people believe that there should be a law which prevents young people under the age of 18 being outside after midnight. Do you agree or disagree? v.2

Some people believe that there should be a law which prevents young people under the age of 18 being outside after midnight. v. 2
Indeed, spending time out of home at midnight has been often ever increasingly popular activity among youngsters. While some argue that the government should enact stringent laws against such teenagers to prevent them from going outside, I, however, agree with this view for two reasons. One reason in terms of subsiding adults is to get involved in a bad habit. It is undeniable if offspring gets the liberty to go outside at midnight, they tend to be inevitably get trapped in bad habits such as drugs, smoking, gambling, and so on. As a result, they seem to be addicted to harmful habits. Similarly, gradually they drift apart from their family members and quit their ambitions in the middle, which results in ruin their whole life. In contrast, if the government imposes strict laws it can have an influential impact on teenagers and they will deter to fall into bad habits. Another reason for preventing young people is it restricts them from being a victim of crime. Nowadays, many youngsters like to go to clubs, discos for hanging out with friends and having parties, which is prevalent. Nevertheless, usually, after having alcohol drinks they seem to misbehave or molest girls. Consequently, they have to suffer imprisonment and their families also have to tolerate for such misbehaves. For instance, a survey conducted by the Times of India found that 63% of adults who generally go outside rather being at home are inclined to be a victim of crime. In conclusion, not only does teenager drift away from their motivation in life due to failing in bad habits, but also can be a victim of a crime for which they have to pay the exorbitant cost of their life. Therefore, I agree that the government should impose strict legislation to restrict youngsters from going outside.
Indeed
, spending time out of home at midnight has been
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
ever
increasingly
popular activity among youngsters. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
argue that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should enact stringent laws against such
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
them from going
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
outside
, I,
however
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this view for two reasons.

One reason in terms of subsiding adults is to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
involved in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bad
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
habit
. It is undeniable if offspring
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
the liberty to go
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
outside
at midnight, they tend to be
inevitably
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
trapped in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bad
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
habits
such as drugs, smoking, gambling, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on.
As a result
, they seem to
be addicted
to harmful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
habits
.
Similarly
,
gradually
they drift apart from their family members and quit their ambitions in the middle, which results in ruin their whole life.
In contrast
, if the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
imposes strict laws it can have an influential impact on
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
teenagers and
they will deter to fall into
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bad
habits.

Another reason for preventing young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
is
it restricts them from being a victim of crime. Nowadays,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
youngsters like to go to clubs, discos for hanging out with friends and having parties, which is prevalent.
Nevertheless
,
usually
, after having alcohol drinks they seem to misbehave or molest girls.
Consequently
, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
suffer imprisonment and their families
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
tolerate for such misbehaves.
For instance
, a survey conducted by
If the term is a proper noun, use the suggested capitalization.
the Times of India
found that 63% of adults who
generally
go
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
outside
rather
being at home
are inclined
to be a victim of crime.

In conclusion
, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
does
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenager
drift away from their motivation in life due to failing in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bad
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
habits
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
can be a victim of a crime for which they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
pay the exorbitant cost of their life.
Therefore
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should impose strict legislation to restrict youngsters from going
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
outside
.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that there should be a law which prevents young people under the age of 18 being outside after midnight. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
302 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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