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Some people think that a law should exist so that young people under 18 cannot be out after the midnight others think it should not be Discuss both views and give your opinion v.1

Some people think that a law should exist so that young people under 18 cannot be out after the midnight others think it should not be 1
Many countries around the world have kept on the capital punishment, whereas others have abolished this legislation. This legislation greatly affects the rates of crime and violence. I strongly believe that ending somebody’s life will not decrease the numbers of crimes and make the lives of people safer because of many reasons. Firstly, there are many people consider the death penalty is an easy one. Many criminals do not afraid of death because they do not believe in god or the life after death. Besides, the executing process takes only few seconds to be done, so there is neither pain nor suffer. Therefore, threatening offenders by taking their lives probably not going to reduce the figures of crimes. For example, some countries which have removed the capital penalty law have significantly lower crime rates than their counterparts who have not. I reckon that there are many ways much more efficient to punish than executing criminals. Secondly, killing offenders will not let the society knows about the intensity of the punishment. If the criminal went to the jail for ever, he would tell other people about the suffering he had had. Thus, the community would know the amount of suffering and hence feel scared of going through this bad experience. But if the criminal’s life had ended, obviously they would not tell one. However, legislating the eternity-prison law is much more effective for having a crime-free community. Finally, killing people is not considered to be a right that the human can do. All of humanity organisations disagree totally on killing souls for whatever the reason is. I believe that drawing the souls from the hearts of creatures is the responsibility of the god solely. To conclude, perishing individuals is not the right choice to reduce the crimes and violence in societies. Many ways could be better for this job. I think in the future, this ineffective law will be deleted in the whole world.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
countries around the world have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
kept
on the capital punishment, whereas others have abolished this legislation. This legislation
greatly
affects the rates of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
and violence. I
strongly
believe that ending somebody’s life will not decrease the numbers of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
safer
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
reasons.

Firstly
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
consider the death penalty is an easy one.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
criminals do not afraid of death
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they do not believe in god or the life after death.
Besides
, the executing process takes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
few seconds to
be done
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
there is neither pain nor suffer.
Therefore
, threatening offenders by taking their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
probably
not going to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the figures of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries which have removed the capital penalty law have
significantly
Possible agreement error -- use past participle here: "lowed", "lowered".
lower
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
rates than their counterparts who have not. I reckon that there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
ways much more efficient to punish than executing criminals.

Secondly
, killing offenders will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
the society knows about the intensity of the punishment. If the criminal went to the jail for ever, he would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tell
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
about the suffering he had had.
Thus
, the community would know the amount of suffering and
hence
feel scared of going through this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
experience.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
if the criminal’s life had ended,
obviously
they would not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tell
one.
However
, legislating the eternity-prison law is much more effective for having a crime-free community.

Finally
, killing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
is not considered to be a right that the human can do.
Consider using "All humanity" or "All of the humanity".
All of humanity
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisations' is British English.
organisations
disagree
totally
on killing souls for whatever the reason is. I believe that drawing the souls from the hearts of creatures is the responsibility of the god
solely
.

To conclude
, perishing individuals is not the right choice to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
and violence in societies.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
ways could be better for this job. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
in the future, this ineffective law will
be deleted
in the whole world.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Speak a new language so that the world will be a new world.
Rumi

IELTS essay Some people think that a law should exist so that young people under 18 cannot be out after the midnight others think it should not be 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
323 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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