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Some people believe that there should be a fixed punishment for each type of crime. Others, however, argue that the circumstances of an individual crime, and the motivation for the community, should always be taken into account when deciding the punishmen v.7

Some people believe that there should be a fixed punishment for each type of crime. Others, however, argue that the circumstances of an individual crime, and the motivation for the community, should always be taken into account when deciding the punishmen v. 7
Due to the modern society, many people hold a belief that students should study subjects to pass examinations rather than gaining life skills, such as dress up or cookery. To my point of view, I strongly disagree with that idea because of these following reasons. First of all, much of the knowledge related to academic subjects can only use to pass an examination or complete school tests but can not practical application. For example, in Vietnam, students have to learn many complex math equations in school which cannot be applied in daily life but can only be used for passing exams. Secondly, gain living skills provide them self-confident and well-rounded.  For instance, when college teenagers live far from family, they will be able to take care of themselves if they are equipped such skills. Since they can prepare healthy and affordable meals independently, they do not need to buy food outside which can contain a lot of fat and sugar. Also, they can choose suitable outfits to make a positive impression on potential employers when attending an interview or make themselves attractive when taking part in a party. Attending skill-building classes at school is also an effective way for students to unwind after many hours of studying academic subjects. Through a wide range of activities, students are able to relax and as a result perform better in exams. Therefore, I believe that skills such as cooking and dressing should be included as a compulsory part of the school curriculum. In conclusion, although academic knowledge is important to pass exams, soft skills courses are not less crucial. So I believed that, life skills must also be included in school activities.
Due to the modern society,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
hold a belief that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
should study subjects to pass examinations
rather
than gaining life
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
, such as dress up or cookery. To my point of view, I
strongly
disagree with that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of these following reasons.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, much of the knowledge related to academic subjects can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
to pass an examination or complete
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tests
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
can not practical application.
For example
, in Vietnam,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
learn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
complex math equations in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
which cannot
be applied
in daily life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for passing exams.

Secondly
, gain living
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
provide them self-confident and well-rounded.  
For instance
, when college
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
far from family, they will be able to take care of themselves if they
are equipped
such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
. Since they can prepare healthy and affordable meals
independently
, they do not need to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
food outside which can contain
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
and sugar.
Also
, they can choose suitable outfits to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
impression on potential employers when attending an interview or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
themselves attractive when taking part
Unless you mean "in a political party," the usual preposition for a party is "at." Did you mean, "at a party"?
in a party
. Attending
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
-building classes at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
is
also
an effective way for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to unwind after
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
hours of studying academic subjects. Through a wide range of activities,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are able to relax and
as a result
perform better in exams.
Therefore
, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
such as cooking and dressing should
be included
as a compulsory part of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
curriculum.

In conclusion
, although academic knowledge is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to pass exams, soft
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
courses are not less crucial.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
I believed that, life
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
also
be included
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
activities.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that there should be a fixed punishment for each type of crime. Others, however, argue that the circumstances of an individual crime, and the motivation for the community, should always be taken into account when deciding the punishmen v. 7

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
279 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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