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Some people believe that the high school should teach music and art asother basic science. Some people think that providing music and arteducation for high school students is not necessary. What is your opinionand why? v.1

Some people believe that the high school should teach music and art asother basic science. Some people think that providing music and arteducation for high school students is not necessary. What is your opinionand why? v. 1
It is true that teenagers are always desired to have a gift. Certainly, one group agrees to consider cash as a presents for their children, while others argued that bank note should not be given to youngsters as a gift. This essay will discuss both views, and, later, I will put my opinion. One group is making a stance against presents cash as a token-gift for adolescent related to two main reasons. To begin, Teenagers can go astray in early age. What mean that they can buy any addiction related drugs, which have a tendency to grow dependency that leads to further addiction. Consequently, they become derailed from normal life that treated them as a burden for the family. In addition, having money in early age would develop emotionless. More clearly, they will evaluate everything in terms of monetary benefits that might be a reason to arise any contentious issue among family members in the future. Therefore, banknote should be avoided as encouragement. However, on the other side, others argue for providing money as a presents to youngster connected to two logics. Firstly, Teenage can do anything whatever they need of saving this cash. For example, a report published in the daily newspaper in France, showed that one-tenth adolescent went abroad without any concern from their parents. As they have had enough savings, they did not consider their parents for granting any permission. Secondly, savings tendency will grow in early age. In other words, Teen will try to keep some cash for future necessity which inherently develop the kid’s immature brain to foster an economic tendency towards money. Thus, cash can be provided as a gift. To conclude, some are always finding reasons to provide banknote as encouragement for boys and girls, while others think a coin should be avoided as a gift in immature age. However, I believe that any type of cash had been always encouraged in early stage, but this amount should be justified.
It is true that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
are always desired to have a gift.
Certainly
, one group
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agrees
to consider
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cash
as
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "a present" or simply "presents"?
a presents
for their children, while others argued that bank note should not be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
to youngsters as a gift. This essay will discuss both views, and, later, I will put my opinion.

One group is making a stance against presents
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cash
as a token-gift for adolescent related to two main reasons. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Teenagers
can go astray in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
. What mean that they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
any addiction related drugs, which have a tendency to grow dependency that leads to
further
addiction.
Consequently
, they become derailed from normal life that treated them as a burden for the family.
In addition
, having money in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
would develop emotionless. More
clearly
, they will evaluate everything in terms of monetary benefits that might be a reason to arise any contentious issue among family members in the future.
Therefore
, banknote should
be avoided
as encouragement.

However
, on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
side, others argue for providing money as
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "a present" or simply "presents"?
a presents
to youngster connected to two logics.
Firstly
, Teenage can do anything whatever they need of saving this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cash
.
For example
, a report published in the daily newspaper in France,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
that one-tenth adolescent went abroad without any concern from their parents. As they have had
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
savings, they did not consider their parents for granting any permission.
Secondly
, savings tendency will grow in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words, Teen will try to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cash
for future necessity which
inherently
develop the kid’s immature brain to foster an economic tendency towards money.
Thus
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cash
can
be provided
as a gift.

To conclude
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
are always finding reasons to provide banknote as encouragement for boys and girls, while others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
a coin should
be avoided
as a gift in immature
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
.
However
, I believe that any type of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cash
The adverb 'always' is usually put between 'had' and 'been'.
had been always
encouraged in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
stage,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
this amount should
be justified
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that the high school should teach music and art asother basic science. Some people think that providing music and arteducation for high school students is not necessary. What is your opinionand why? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
327 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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