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Some people believe that the government should ban dangerous sporting activities while others think that people have the freedom do whatever sports they choose. v.1

Some people believe that the government should ban dangerous sporting activities while others think that people have the freedom do whatever sports they choose. v. 1
Activities, as it is said, keep a person young and energetic. It is in tune with it that a person must always keep oneself occupied with an activity of any sort. Sporting activity is one of many activities which pay no heed to the age barrier. As a matter of fact, sporting activities contribute a lot towards the physical fitness, mental ability / balance and overall characteristic of an individual. However, a ‘dangerous’ sporting activity must be undertaken by an individual with an extra caution. Though a dangerous sporting activity is generally performed due to a sudden rush of adrenalin but the consequences of such an activity are not reasonably positively skewed. The probability of an untoward incident, while performing a dangerous sporting activity, is always high. It is due to this reason that State interference, to a reasonable extent, is welcome. The activities which are more skewed towards the possibility of a fatal accident must be regulated and consequently banned by the government. However, there is another school of thought which is on the view that individuals must be accorded the freedom to choose the sport according to their wishes. The ideology of the followers of this school of thought is that the individual is matured enough to understand what is more beneficial to him. However, they fail to look beyond the veil, probably reason due to which an individual undertakes the performance of such dangerous acts. The reasons may vary from peer pressure, family circumstances, financial needs or just momentary pleasure. Whatever may be the reason, an individual must not be given the liberty to put his life, and consequently the life of his dependents, at risk. The fortnightly sports magazine, The Risktakers, did share the views of the son of the famous skydiver, Peterson, who met with an accident while trying to attempt skiing after getting himself released from the parachute at a height of only 15 feet above the ground level. Yet another interview with the daughter of another renowned sports person, Robinson, revealed the sad story wherein after the death of his paratrooper father, it became difficult for her to make her both ends meet during her teenage. The only reason for the death of her father was that he wanted to set a record of jumping from an unbelievable height. In the end, I am of the opinion that there should be the complete ban on the dangerous sporting activities as it is the survivors of the deceased who has to pay a heavy price for the acts of their mentors.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Activities
, as it
is said
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
a person young and energetic. It is in tune with it that a person
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
always
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
oneself occupied with an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
of any sort. Sporting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
is one of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
which pay no heed to the age barrier.

As a matter of fact, sporting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
contribute a lot towards the physical fitness, mental ability / balance and
overall
characteristic of an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
.
However
, a ‘
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
’ sporting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be undertaken by an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
with an extra caution. Though a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dangerous
sporting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
is
generally
performed due to a sudden rush of adrenalin
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the consequences of such an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
are not
reasonably
positively
skewed. The probability of an untoward incident, while performing a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dangerous
sporting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
, is always high.

It is due to this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
that State interference, to a reasonable extent, is welcome. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
which are more skewed towards the possibility of a fatal accident
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be regulated
and
consequently
banned by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
.

However
, there is another school of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
which is on the view that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be accorded
the freedom to choose the sport according to their wishes. The ideology of the followers of this school of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
is that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
is matured
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to understand
what is more
beneficial to him.
However
, they fail to look beyond the veil,
probably
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
due to which an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
undertakes the performance of such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dangerous
acts. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
may vary from peer pressure, family circumstances, financial needs or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
momentary pleasure. Whatever may be the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
, an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
not be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
the liberty to put his life, and
consequently
the life of his dependents, at
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
. The
fortnightly
sports magazine, The
Possible spelling mistake found.
Risktakers
, did share the views of the son of the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
skydiver, Peterson, who met with an accident while trying to attempt skiing after getting himself released from the parachute at a height of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
Writing for an international audience? Consider adding the metric equivalent.
15 feet
above the ground level.

Yet
another interview with the daughter of another renowned sports person, Robinson, revealed the sad story wherein after the death of his paratrooper father, it became difficult for her to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
her both ends
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
during her teenage. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
for the death of her father was that he wanted to set a record of jumping from an unbelievable height.

In the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
, I am of the opinion that there should be the complete ban on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dangerous
sporting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
as it is the survivors of the deceased who
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
pay a heavy price for the acts of their mentors.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
27Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
The man who does not know other languages, unless he is a man of genius, necessarily has deficiencies in his ideas.
Victor Hugo

IELTS essay Some people believe that the government should ban dangerous sporting activities while others think that people have the freedom do whatever sports they choose. v. 1

Essay
  American English
6 paragraphs
427 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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