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Modern lifestyles mean that many parents have little time for their children. Many children do not get as much attention from their parents as children did in the past. v.6

Modern lifestyles mean that many parents have little time for their children. Many children do not get as much attention from their parents as children did in the past. v. 6
With the passage of time, there have been tremendous changes in the behaviour and consequently the lifestyles of people, especially the young and working couples. Yet another factor which has played the role of a catalyst is the ‘materialistic need’ of the human in the ever-changing pattern of living in the modern times. Due to such unrealistic expectations from the life, the parents have started devoting much of their time towards satisfying their materialistic needs at the cost of the ‘precious gift’ that they have been blessed with, by the Almighty, their children. Children, for their parents, are dearer than fine opals, more precious than Emeralds! However, due to the discontentment in the life of parents, it is the innocent childhood which has to pay a heavy price. In the yesteryears, even though the means of livelihood were limited but the quality time spent with children was enough to boost confidence amongst them and make the children a successful and a matured individual.   However, in the modern times, though there has been a manifold increase in the means of livelihood, but the price at which such an increase is achieved is negatively skewed. It is the children who are devoid of the, much needed, attention which they truly and rightly deserve. In a recent interview published in the local tabloid, the renowned choreographers of the famous band, OPEXA, did share their own experience wherein they blamed themselves (husband and wife) for the unhealthy upbringing of their children which ultimately led to their children becoming victims of drug abuse. In the end, I agree that though there is the need to adapt according to the modern lifestyles and requirements but the same must not be achieved at the cost of innocence, love, warmth and tenderness of one’s children. The childhood, after all, is as sacred as the temple, as holy as the bible and hence should be re-lived, re-enjoyed by the parents of the children.
With the passage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, there have been tremendous
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
in the
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
and
consequently
the lifestyles of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
,
especially
the young and working couples.
Yet
another factor which has played the role of a catalyst is the ‘materialistic need’ of the human in the ever-changing pattern of living in the modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
. Due to such unrealistic expectations from the life, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
devoting much of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
towards satisfying their materialistic needs at the cost of the ‘precious gift’ that they have
been blessed
with, by the Almighty, their children.

Children, for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
, are dearer than fine opals, more precious than Emeralds!
However
, due to the discontentment in the life of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
, it is the innocent childhood which
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
pay a heavy price.

In the
Possible spelling mistake found.
yesteryears
,
even though
the means of livelihood
were limited
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the quality
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
spent with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to boost confidence amongst them and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
a successful and a matured individual.
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
However
, in the modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
, though there has been a manifold increase in the means of livelihood,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the price at which such an increase
is achieved
is
negatively
skewed. It is the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who are devoid of
Did you forget something after 'the'?
the,
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
much needed
, attention which they
truly
and
rightly
deserve.

In a recent interview published in the local tabloid, the renowned choreographers of the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
band,
Possible spelling mistake found.
OPEXA
, did share their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
experience wherein they blamed themselves (husband and wife) for the unhealthy upbringing of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
which
ultimately
led to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
becoming victims of drug abuse. In the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that though there is the need to adapt according to the modern lifestyles and requirements
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the same
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
not
be achieved
at the cost of innocence,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
, warmth and tenderness of one’s children.

The childhood,
after all
, is as sacred as the temple, as holy as the bible and
hence
should be re-
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lived
, re-enjoyed by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
15Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay Modern lifestyles mean that many parents have little time for their children. Many children do not get as much attention from their parents as children did in the past. v. 6

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
325 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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