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Tobacco and alcohol are drugs that cause addiction and health problems. Therefore they should be made illegal. v.1

Tobacco and alcohol are drugs that cause addiction and health problems. Therefore they should be made illegal. v. 1
Cigarettes and alcohol negatively influence human health and lead to very bad addiction. While some people believe that smoking and drinking alcohol do not have that much detriment effect on health and should be sold freely, I firmly believe that smoking and alcohol are drugs that lead to health problems and addiction and, as a result, they should be prohibited. First of all, tobacco is a silent killer not only for smokers but also for people around. Smoking is known as a cause of more than 25 different deadly diseases including lung cancer, bronchitis and emphysema. According to the recent statistics, four million people around the world die yearly from tobacco-related diseases - one death every eight seconds. Tobacco is significantly becoming a greater cause of death and disability than any other single cause. Therefore, smoking cigarettes is a huge global threat and should be illegal. The number of female and young smokers is increasing globally and completely banning cigarettes could be an effective measure to enhance public health. The amount of money a country spend each year to treat people who suffer from tobacco-related diseases could be better utilised to treat other patients. The next point that needs to be taken into consideration is alcohol that has already become a serious problem during the last centuries. More and more people use alcohol every day and sometimes not only a glass of wine during the evening but also far more than usual. As a result, this group of people becomes unhealthy. Moreover, drinking too much alcohol can lead to more serious problems such as brain damage and even can cause a separation with the partner and break a family. Moreover, children struggle a lot from drunkard parents. Therefore, alcohol should be banned globally. The negative health and social problems the alcohol creates are enormous and the banning it will bring more social stability, morality and better life expectancy. To sum up, from my point of view, cigarettes and alcohol are two greatest threats to the society and our health. They lead to various problems and harm not only individuals who use it but also others, surrounding them. I believe that people can live their lives more happily without those heinous drugs and substance.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Cigarettes
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
alcohol
negatively
influence human
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lead
to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
addiction. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
and drinking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
alcohol
do not have that much detriment effect on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
and should
be sold
freely
, I
firmly
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
alcohol
are drugs that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lead
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
and addiction and,
as a result
, they should
be prohibited
.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, tobacco is a silent killer not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
for smokers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
around.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Smoking
is known
as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cause
of more than 25
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
deadly diseases including lung cancer, bronchitis and emphysema. According to the recent statistics, four million
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
around the world
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
die
yearly from tobacco-related diseases
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
one death every eight seconds. Tobacco is
significantly
becoming a greater
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cause
of death and disability than any other single
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cause
.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cigarettes
is a huge global threat and should be illegal. The number of female and young smokers is increasing globally and completely banning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cigarettes
could be an effective measure to enhance public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
. The amount of money a country spend each year to treat
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who suffer from tobacco-related diseases could be better
Possible spelling mistake. 'utilised' is British English.
utilised
to treat other patients.

Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
The
next
point that needs to
be taken
into consideration is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
alcohol
that has already become a serious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
during the last centuries. More and more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
alcohol
every day and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
a glass of wine during the evening
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
far more than usual.
As a result
, this group of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
becomes unhealthy.
Moreover
, drinking too much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
alcohol
can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lead
to more serious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
such as brain damage and even can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cause
a separation with the partner and break a family.
Two successive sentences begin with the same adverb. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
Moreover
, children struggle a lot from drunkard parents.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
alcohol
should
be banned
globally. The
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
and social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
alcohol
creates are enormous and the banning it will bring more social stability, morality and better life expectancy.

To sum up, from my point of view,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cigarettes
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
alcohol
are two greatest threats to the society and our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
. They
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lead
to various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
and harm not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
individuals who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
it
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
others, surrounding them. I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
more
happily
without those heinous drugs and substance.
16Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
43Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay Tobacco and alcohol are drugs that cause addiction and health problems. Therefore they should be made illegal. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
373 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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