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Some people think that government should ban dangerous sports while others think people should have freedom to do any sports or activity. Discuss both view and give your opinion v.1

Some people think that government should ban dangerous sports while others think people should have freedom to do any sports or activity. 1
Opinions diverge widely on whether unsafe sports should be prohibited owing to the potential hazards to players. While I accept that dangerous sports are not good, I believe that people should have the right to participate in any sports they choose and government should not intervene in others hobby. On the one hand, there are some reasons why people do not support dangerous sports. First, these activities are usually accompanied by a high chance of serious injury or death. For example, from the first of 2019 to May 2019, there are 11 people who die because of climbing to Everest. Furthermore, some of these sports not only render the players injured, but also the cheering spectators such as bullfighting. It is one of national sports in Spain. In San Fermin celebration, the gayals maked 58 people injured from the sixth to fifteenth of July 2019. On the other hand, I believe that people should be free to participate in any sports they choose. For instance, it would be very wrong to prevent climbing enthusiasts from challenging themselves and they want to explore new experiences, new lands of standing on top a mountain peak. If these sports were previously banned, the world would not have witnessed the amazing feat of the first official ascent of Mount Everest in 1953. Moreover, those who participate in unsafe activities have to undertake rigorous training and experience to ensure they can play those sports. Therefore, the concern of the risk element becomes reduced. In conclusion, it would be wrong to ban extreme sports and I hold the view that people should have a liberty to join in any sports they want for the aforementioned arguments.
Opinions diverge
widely
on whether unsafe
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
should
be prohibited
owing to the potential hazards to players. While I accept that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
are not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should have the right to participate in any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
they choose and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should not intervene in others hobby.

On the one hand, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
reasons why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not support
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
.
First
, these activities are
usually
accompanied by a high chance of serious injury or death.
For example
, from the
first
of 2019 to May 2019, there are 11
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
die
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of climbing to Everest.
Furthermore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
render the players injured,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
the cheering spectators such as bullfighting. It is one of national
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
in Spain. In San
Possible spelling mistake found.
Fermin
celebration, the
Possible spelling mistake found.
gayals
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "made", the past tense form of the verb 'make'?
maked
58
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
injured from the sixth to fifteenth of July 2019.

On the other hand
, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should be free to participate in any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
they choose.
For instance
, it would be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
climbing enthusiasts from challenging
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
themselves and
they want to explore new experiences, new lands of standing on top a mountain peak. If these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
were previously banned, the world would not have witnessed the amazing feat of the
first
official ascent of Mount Everest in 1953.
Moreover
, those who participate in unsafe activities
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
undertake rigorous training and experience to ensure they can play those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
.
Therefore
, the concern of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
element becomes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
.

In conclusion
, it would be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
to ban extreme
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
and I hold the view that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should have a liberty to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
in any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
they want for the aforementioned arguments.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
17Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay Some people think that government should ban dangerous sports while others think people should have freedom to do any sports or activity. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
280 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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