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People are now living longer than ever before and many old people are unable to look after themselves. Some people believe that it is the responsibility of families to look after the elderly, while others say governments should provide retirement homes for them where they can be looked after properly. Discuss. v.1

People are now living longer than ever before and many old people are unable to look after themselves. Some people believe that it is the responsibility of families to look after the elderly, while others say governments should provide retirement homes for them where they can be looked after properly. Discuss. v. 1
Whether taking care of elder citizens is the sole responsibility of family members or that should be supported by the government is a very controversial issue. With the increasing life expectancy and modern healthcare system the number of senior citizens is increasing in most of the countries and how those old people should be supported is an issue that indeed requires a comprehensive discussion. First of all, the people should themselves prepare for their old ages and save money so that they do not have to rely solely on others for their maintenance. It is quite a hard reality that if an old person has a good amount of money and properties the number of people to look after him would be plenty. The reverse is also true and that’s why the people should always have plans for savings for their rainy days. However, old people not only needs medical support, a place to live and nurses to look after them, they also need people to talk to them, care them and spend time with them which money cannot buy. The family members must take care of their elder parents or grandparents and spend time with them rather than sending them to a retirement home. It is quite inhuman to send an old family member to an old home while s/he has cared for the family members for the whole life. The debt we have to our grandparents and parents could never be repaid, however, we should try to at least repay them some by caring them in a way they did when we were children. Finally, not all old people will have close relatives and family members to look after them. The government would have to support the older generation who have served the country and society with their every effort. The old people have all paid tax when they were employed and thus the government has a natural obligation to support the old people by providing improved medical support, retirement homes with all necessary facilities. The government does not have control whether a family decides to take care of an old member or send them in a retirement home. But proper arrangement and facilities for those elderly should be supported by the government. In conclusion, I believe that supporting older people is an issue that should be backed up in every way possible.   A young person should take preparation for his old age while the family members and governments should play their role so that those fragile and helpless old people do not suffer at all.
Whether taking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
of elder citizens is the sole responsibility of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
or that should
be supported
by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
controversial issue. With the increasing life expectancy and modern healthcare system the number of senior citizens is increasing in most of the countries and how those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should
be supported
is an issue that
indeed
requires a comprehensive discussion.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should themselves prepare for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
ages and save money
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they do not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
rely
solely
on others for their maintenance. It is quite a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
reality that if an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
person has a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
amount of money and properties the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to look after him would be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
. The reverse is
also
true and that’s why the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should always have plans for savings for their rainy days.

However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
needs medical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
, a place to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
and nurses to look after them, they
also
need
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to talk to them,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
them and spend time with them which money cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
of their elder parents or grandparents and spend time with them
rather
than sending them to a retirement home. It is quite inhuman to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
send
an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
member
to an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
home while s/he has cared for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
for the whole life. The debt we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
our grandparents and parents could never be repaid,
however
, we should try to at least repay them
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
by caring them in a way they did when we were children.

Finally
, not all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will have close relatives and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
to look after them. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
would
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
the older generation who have served the country and society with their every effort. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have all paid tax when they
were employed
and
thus
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
has a natural obligation to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
by providing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
medical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
, retirement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
homes
with all necessary facilities.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
does not have control whether a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
decides to take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
of an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
member
or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
send
them in a retirement home.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
proper arrangement and facilities for those elderly should
be supported
by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
.

In conclusion
, I believe that supporting older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
is
an issue that should
be backed
up in every way possible.
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
A young person should take preparation for his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
age while the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
should play their role
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that those fragile and helpless
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not suffer at all.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
51Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
He who knows no foreign languages know nothing of his own.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

IELTS essay People are now living longer than ever before and many old people are unable to look after themselves. Some people believe that it is the responsibility of families to look after the elderly, while others say governments should provide retirement homes for them where they can be looked after properly. Discuss. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
429 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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