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Some people believe that telephone is the greatest invention of the last century. To what extent do you agree? v.1

Some people believe that telephone is the greatest invention of the last century. v. 1
Telecommunication device has assisted greatly in most of his human activities. Probably, this is the reason some individuals opine that the mobile phone is the most huge success in the last hundred years. Although, I agree that it is indeed a great technology but I also submit that other breakthroughs such as Automated Teller Machine, diagnostic devices, washing machines have competitive importance. Admittedly, phones have been employed in several fields of man's endeavours, it is may not be the best of all innovations. In other words, it has undoubtedly made interactions easier, not only between family but also among business associates both new and old. As a result, it is a weapon of economic growth of a nation because it aids online marketing, where goods are advertised, ordered and pickups are organised smoothly from any part of the world. In addition, it has also been found to be an essential tool in gathering information hence, useful academically to retrieve vital materials from the internet which catalyses research. For instance, every student in the tertiary institutions in Nigeria must possess a smartphone to deepen understanding. Nevertheless, it will be wrong to say mobile devices are the best where other technologies have been found to be equally useful. This is to say, machinery such as washing machines, diagnostic machines, automated teller machine amongst others have also assisted in making life worthwhile. Accidentally, humans will be dying increasingly when diseases are not detected and treated appropriately. Furthermore, ATMs have rescued so many from cash embarrassment. Coincidentally, it has reduced waiting time in the banking halls and availed clients the time to invest in their businesses. Additionally, washing machines have decreased the incidence of people developing health issues due to excessive washing of clothes. In conclusion, in spite of the usefulness of telephones in various fields, I would argue that it is not the most impressive discovery as others such as equipment for diagnosing, washing machines, etc, have been discovered to be at par with it.
Telecommunication device has assisted
greatly
in most of his human activities.
Probably
, this is the reason
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
individuals opine that the mobile phone is the most huge success in the last hundred years. Although, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that it is
indeed
a great technology
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I
also
submit that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
breakthroughs such as Automated Teller
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Machine
, diagnostic devices, washing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
machines
have competitive importance.

Admittedly
, phones have
been employed
in several fields of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
's
Possible spelling mistake. 'endeavours' is British English.
endeavours
, it is may not be the best of all innovations. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words, it has
undoubtedly
made interactions easier, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
between family
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
among business associates both new and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
.
As a result
, it is a weapon of economic growth of a nation
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it aids online marketing, where
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
are advertised
, ordered and pickups are
Possible spelling mistake. 'organised' is British English.
organised
smoothly
from any part of the world.
In addition
, it has
also
been found
to be an essential tool in gathering information
hence
, useful
academically
to retrieve vital materials from the internet which catalyses research.
For instance
, every student in the tertiary institutions in Nigeria
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
possess a smartphone to deepen understanding.

Nevertheless
, it will be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
to say mobile devices are the best where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
technologies have
been found
to be
equally
useful. This is to say, machinery such as washing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
machines
, diagnostic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
machines
, automated teller
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
machine
Do not mix variants of the same word ('amongst' and 'among') within a single text.
amongst
others have
also
assisted in making life worthwhile.
Accidentally
, humans will be dying
increasingly
when diseases are not detected and treated
appropriately
.
Furthermore
, ATMs have rescued
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
from cash embarrassment.
Coincidentally
, it has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
waiting time in the banking halls and availed clients the time to invest in their businesses.
Additionally
, washing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
machines
have decreased the incidence of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
developing health issues due to excessive washing of clothes.

In conclusion
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
in spite of
the usefulness of telephones in various fields, I would argue that it is not the most impressive discovery as others such as equipment for diagnosing, washing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
machines
, etc, have
been discovered
to be at par with it.
21Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
10Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
One language sets you in a corridor for life. Two languages open every door along the way.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Some people believe that telephone is the greatest invention of the last century. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
332 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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