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Not enough people realize the importance of natural world. What is the reason for people's lack of awareness? How can people be made more aware? v.1

Not enough people realize the importance of natural world. What is the reason for people's lack of awareness? How can people be made more aware? v. 1
Some would argue that few people are aware of the significance of natural world. This essay will first argue that out of numerous excessive glamorization by the electronic media is a possible reason for the negligence, and then awareness can be cultivated by launching several programs at school level. To embark with, electronic media has made the artificial world more attractable for people such as movies, dramas, and advertisements on the television depict that all rich and happy people spend time with their kith and kin in luxury hotels, amusement parks, and on other places. Therefore, it does not highlight the importance of any natural place or resource just for the sake of improving their business because, in return for on-airing these programs and commercials, they receive a hefty amount from owners. Owing to this, they contaminate peoples' minds to be a part of man-made world and utilize natural resources in a reckless manner. For example, recent advertisement of multi-story hotel buildings in Dubai shows that it has many opportunities for new investors and perfect destination for vacations with family to attract people and expand their business. Nevertheless, the best possible method to burgeon the importance of the natural world among public is government should start awareness campaigns in schools to highlight the importance of natural resources. It could be made a part of their curriculum to teach pupils that natural world is in jeopardy and crucial steps must be taken to save environment for our upcoming generation. Therefore, it is more likely that what children learn at school will transfer this knowledge to their parents and siblings. For example, a similar initiative has been taken in Germany in 2017 and it begets benefits in terms of shifting attention of masses towards the concerns related to the world gifted by mother nature. To conclude, media has been playing a pivotal role for years to neglect the natural world by too much romanticizing the artificial world; however, this problem could be addressed by teaching youngster about its importance.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
would argue that few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are aware of the significance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
natural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
. This essay will
first
argue that out of numerous excessive glamorization by the electronic media is a possible reason for the negligence, and then awareness can
be cultivated
by launching several programs at school level.

To embark with, electronic media has made the artificial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
more attractable for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
such as movies, dramas, and advertisements on the television depict that all rich and happy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
spend time with their kith and kin in luxury hotels, amusement parks, and on other places.
Therefore
, it does not highlight the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
importance
of any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
natural
place or resource
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
for the sake of improving their business
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
, in return for on-airing these programs and commercials, they receive a hefty amount from owners. Owing to this, they contaminate peoples'
The verb 'minds' is used with the gerund form: "minds being".
minds to be
a part of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
-made
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
and utilize
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
natural
resources
Consider replacing "in a reckless manner" with the adverb for "reckless"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a reckless manner
.
For example
, recent
The usual collocation for "advertisement" is "for" not "of". Did you mean "advertisement for"?
advertisement of
multi-story hotel buildings in Dubai
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that it has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
opportunities for new investors and perfect destination for vacations with family to attract
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and expand their business.

Nevertheless
, the best possible method to burgeon the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
importance
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
natural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
among public is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
awareness campaigns in schools to highlight the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
importance
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
natural
resources. It could
be made
a part of their curriculum to teach pupils that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
natural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
is in jeopardy and crucial steps
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be taken
to save environment for our upcoming generation.
Therefore
, it is more likely that what children learn at school will transfer this knowledge to their parents and siblings.
For example
, a similar initiative has
been taken
in Germany in 2017 and it begets benefits in terms of shifting attention of masses towards the concerns related to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
gifted by mother nature.

To conclude
, media has been playing a pivotal role for years to neglect the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
natural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
by too much romanticizing the artificial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
;
however
, this problem could
be addressed
by teaching youngster about its
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
importance
.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
23Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
Knowledge of languages is the doorway to wisdom.
Roger Bacon

IELTS essay Not enough people realize the importance of natural world. What is the reason for people's lack of awareness? How can people be made more aware? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
337 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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