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Some people believe that teenagers should be required to do unpaid community work in their free time. This can benefit teenagers and the community as well. v.2

Some people believe that teenagers should be required to do unpaid community work in their free time. This can benefit teenagers and the community as well. v. 2
I agree with the question statement to a great extent. I believe that teenagers should be required to do volunteer work in their leisure time in their community. This would have a number of positive effects as it would benefit the teenagers and their neighbourhood simultaneously. Overall, a sense of caring and productive use of teenager’s schedule would be seen. To begin with, teenagers would spend some hours from their schedule doing righteous and virtuous work instead of playing video games and wasting their time on other activities. This would greatly impact their personality and they would develop a sense of kindness and care towards other people. For example, if the teenagers help people around them in need of moral and emotional support; this would be a source of self-contentment for them. Moreover, it would inculcate a feeling of empathy towards the needy people. In addition to the impact of this on the teenagers themselves, it would also create a good impression and a sense of unity and harmony in the local neighbourhood. Thus, people would develop a notion that others around them care and respect them. To be particular, it would help older people who have difficulty in carrying out their chores. Consequently, the aged would transfer their experience and knowledge to the teenagers which would be very beneficial for them. Concluding the discussion, I would like to suggest that schools should adopt this approach in their curriculum for teenagers to spend their time doing community service. This would not only benefit a particular person, but the community as a whole.
I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the question statement to a great extent. I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
should
be required
to do volunteer work in their leisure time in their community. This would have a number of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
effects as it would benefit the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
and their
Possible spelling mistake. 'neighbourhood' is British English.
neighbourhood
simultaneously
.
Overall
, a sense of caring and productive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenager’s
schedule would be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
would spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
hours from their schedule doing righteous and virtuous work
instead
of playing video games and wasting their time on other activities. This would
greatly
impact their
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
personality and
they would develop a sense of kindness and care towards other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
For example
, if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
around them in need of moral and emotional support; this would be a source of self-contentment for them.
Moreover
, it would inculcate a feeling of empathy towards the needy
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

In addition
to the impact of this on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
themselves, it would
also
create a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
impression and a sense of unity and harmony in the local
Possible spelling mistake. 'neighbourhood' is British English.
neighbourhood
.
Thus
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would develop a notion that others around them care and respect them. To be particular, it would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who have difficulty in carrying out their chores.
Consequently
, the aged would transfer their experience and knowledge to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
which would be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
beneficial for them.

Concluding the discussion, I would like to suggest that schools should adopt this approach in their curriculum for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
to spend their time doing community service. This would not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
benefit a particular person,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the community as a whole.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
12Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
The conquest of learning is achieved through the knowledge of languages.
Roger Bacon

IELTS essay Some people believe that teenagers should be required to do unpaid community work in their free time. This can benefit teenagers and the community as well. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
262 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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