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Some people believe that technology has made men more sociable, and others think that it has made us less sociable. Discuss both views and give your own opinion v.1

Some people believe that technology has made men more sociable, and others think that it has made us less sociable. 1
It is true that technology has made great impact on our lives. People have different views about whether males become more outgoing because of the influence of technology. Whereas in some ways it seem reasonable that men are affected to become less sociable by technology. I personally believe that males have become less sociable compared to past. There are various reasons why it might be considered males became more outgoing. By using mobile phones as well as internet males keep in touch with their friends and relatives. For instance, if they are surfing on the internet and find their friends online, they will make a video call or will chat by e-mail. Furthermore, men are able to make new friends through utilizing technologies. A great example of this would be joining to groups on Facebook. By joining groups they chat with other members of group and thus they are likely to make new friends. However, I agree with those who argue that males are affected to become less communicative. Technologies distract them from people those around. A salient example of this is people at the dining table who utilizing their phones instead of talking with each other. Moreover, this is observed in families where fathers are busy with their phones. Consequently, they donot pay attention to their their wife as well as children. In addition, the availability of new technology have the result of isolating people and real interaction. For instance, nowadays many teenagers choose to make friends online rather than mixing with them in real world. To sum up, men became less communicative because of the influence of technology. They should use their phones or the internet and pay attention to their relatives.
It is true that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
has made great impact on our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
views about whether
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
males
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
more outgoing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the influence of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
. Whereas in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
ways it
Did you mean "seems"?
seem
reasonable that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
less
sociable by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
. I
personally
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
males
have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
less
sociable compared to past.

There are various reasons why it might
be considered
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
males
became more outgoing. By using mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
as well
as internet
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
males
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
in touch with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
and relatives.
For instance
, if they are surfing on the internet and find their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
online, they will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
a video call or will chat by e-mail.
Furthermore
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
are able to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
through utilizing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technologies
. A great example of this would be joining to groups on Facebook. By joining groups they chat with other members of group and
thus
they are likely to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
new friends.

However
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with those who argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
males
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
less
communicative.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Technologies
distract them from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
those around. A salient example of this is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
at the dining table who utilizing their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
instead
of talking with each other.
Moreover
, this
is observed
in families where fathers are busy with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
.
Consequently
, they
Possible spelling mistake found.
donot
pay attention to
Possible typo: you repeated a word
their their
wife
as well
as children.
In addition
, the availability of new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
have the result of isolating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and real interaction.
For instance
, nowadays
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
choose to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
online
rather
than mixing with them in real world.

To sum up,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
became
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
less
communicative
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the influence of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
. They should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
or the internet and pay attention to their relatives.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
36Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that technology has made men more sociable, and others think that it has made us less sociable. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
284 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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