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Some people believe that success in life depends on hard work and determination, while others believe that other factors like money and personal appearance are important. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.2

Some people believe that success in life depends on hard work and determination, while others believe that other factors like money and personal appearance are important. v. 2
Individuals hold different opinions about distinctive recipes for success. While many believe that success results from money and personal appearance, I advocate with another idea that hard work and perseverance are genuinely core factors. On the one hand, I do agree with those who maintain that industry and dogged determination are much more vital, paving the way to success. The prime example of this is Nick Vujick, a globally famous inspirational speaker, who was born with severe disease which result in the loss of four limbs. Despite of suffering that adversity, he has achieved numerous personal achievements with four bachelor' s degrees in Australia and become an well-known inspirator who inspire driving forces for people around the world, especially those disabled. Another example that deserve public attention is Jack Ma, a billionaire in China. In his early life, he had to ride his bicycle for about 40 minutes from his house and give the foreiners the tours for free in order to improve his English. By doing so, he could have the good command of English and has become one of the most influential chinese billionaire. Consequently, it is evident that people who show commitment and perseverance could be flying high and fulfill their dreams. On the other hand, money and personal outward could be the possible factors which lead to success. It is true that many singers rock to stardom without experencing any training sessions or even have bad voice, seeing that they are good-looking and have investing heavily in their outfit, their appearance. To illustrate, Son Tung MTP is one of the most renowed young singers in Vietnam. Though his voice is not great sufficient to become a star, thanks to outstanding garment and eye-catching video clips, he has drawed the attention of many youngsters as his adoring fans. Cuong Dollar is also a case of successful businessman owing to his mother money. His success, therefore, could be attributed to money and prestige instead of through making heroic efforts in his career path. In conclusion, it seems to me that people who are industrious and show determination are more likely to lead successful lives, although material comforts and outward appearance could be the probable factors to some extent.
Individuals hold
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
opinions about distinctive recipes for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
results from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
and personal appearance, I advocate with another
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work and perseverance are
genuinely
core factors.

On the one hand, I do
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
maintain that industry and dogged determination are much more vital, paving the way to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
. The prime example of this is Nick
Possible spelling mistake found.
Vujick
, a globally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
inspirational speaker,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
was born
with severe disease which result in the loss of four limbs.
Did you mean "Despite" (or, alternatively, 'in spite of')?
Despite of
suffering that adversity, he has achieved numerous personal achievements with four
Possible spelling mistake found.
bachelor&
#039; s degrees in Australia and become
Use "a" instead of 'an' if the following word doesn't start with a vowel sound, e.g. 'a sentence', 'a university'
an
well-known
Possible spelling mistake found.
inspirator
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
inspire driving forces for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
around the world,
especially
those disabled. Another example that deserve public attention is Jack Ma, a billionaire in China. In his early life, he had to ride his bicycle for about 40 minutes from his
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
and give the
Possible spelling mistake found.
foreiners
the tours for free in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
his English. By doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
, he could have the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
command of English and has become one of the most influential
Possible spelling mistake found.
chinese
billionaire.
Consequently
, it is evident that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
commitment and perseverance could be flying high and fulfill their dreams.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
and personal outward could be the possible factors which lead to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
. It is true that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
singers rock to stardom without
Possible spelling mistake found.
experencing
any training sessions or even have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
voice, seeing that they are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
-looking and have investing
heavily
in their outfit, their appearance. To illustrate, Son
Possible spelling mistake found.
Tung
MTP is one of the most
Possible spelling mistake found.
renowed
young singers in Vietnam. Though his voice is not great sufficient to become a star, thanks to outstanding garment and eye-catching video clips, he has
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "drew", the past tense form of the verb 'draw'?
drawed
the attention of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
youngsters as his adoring fans.
Possible spelling mistake found.
Cuong
Dollar is
also
a case of successful businessman owing to his mother
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. His
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
,
therefore
, could
be attributed
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
and prestige
instead
of through making heroic efforts in his career path.

In conclusion
, it seems to me that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are industrious and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
determination are more likely to lead successful
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
, although material comforts and outward appearance could be the probable factors to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extent.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
14Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
12Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that success in life depends on hard work and determination, while others believe that other factors like money and personal appearance are important. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
370 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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