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Some people think that success in life comes from hard work and determination, while others think that there are more important factors such as money and appearance.

Some people believe that success in life depends upon hard work and determination, while others believe that other factors like money and personal appearance are important. v. 3
It is controversial these days. There are many type of person who believes appearance is more important than mind, and these people are tend to give priority for the money. Others who focus on make their career and determination is tend to give priority get a good job and build their communities for success. However, I firmly believe that success in life comes from hard working. Firstly, person who believes success connect with appearance is normally young people. Young generations are very obsess their look. Because of the media which effect their identity. There is no hero who is ugly on media. That’s why they always focus on look. Also they tend to belive money makes us successfully. I understand these person, because we can buy anything by the money, such as expensive car and house. These are connect with image of success. On the other hands, there are several reason why hard-working is connect with success is because of acheivement. When we do hard-working, we will get high achievement. It only comes from by themselves. Money physical look doesn’t give achievement. For example, Many of them who has succeeded is normally enterpreser or politician. This shows success come from the career. To sum up, some people think that physical look and money makes us successful. However, I think that building a career and get achievement by themselves will give us more positive impact on our society.
It is controversial these days. There are
Possible agreement error. The noun type seems to be countable; consider using: "many types".
many type
of person
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
believes appearance is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
than mind, and these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are
Consider using a past participle here: "tended".
tend
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
give
priority for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. Others
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
focus on
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their career and determination is
Consider using a past participle here: "tended".
tend
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
give
priority
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
job and build their communities for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
.
However
, I
firmly
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
in life
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
from
This expression is normally spelled as one or with hyphen.
hard working
.

Firstly
, person
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
believes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
connect with appearance is
normally
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. Young generations are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
obsess their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
look
.
“Because” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Because
of the media which effect their identity. There is no hero
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
is ugly on media. That’s why they always focus on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
look
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Also
they tend
Did you mean "to believe"?
to belive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
us
successfully
. I understand
Did you mean "this person" or "these people", "these persons"?
these person
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
anything by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
, such as expensive car and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
. These are
Consider using a past participle here: "connected".
connect
with image of success.

On the other hands, there are several reason why
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
-working is
Consider using a past participle here: "connected".
connect
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of
Possible spelling mistake found.
acheivement
. When we do
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
-working, we will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
high achievement. It
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
from by themselves.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Money
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
look
doesn’t
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
give
achievement.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
of them
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
has succeeded is
normally
Possible spelling mistake found.
enterpreser
or politician. This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
from the career.

To sum up,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
look
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
us successful.
However
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that building a career and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
achievement by themselves will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
give
us more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
impact on our society.

IELTS essay Some people think that success in life comes from hard work and determination, while others think that there are more important factors such as money and appearance.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
237 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
4.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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  • Some people believe that success in life depends upon hard work and determination, while others believe that other factors like money and personal appearance are important. Discuss both view and give your opinion? v.3