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Some people believe that success in life depends upon hard work and determination while others believe that other factors like money and personal appearance are important Discuss both view and give your opinion v.1

Some people believe that success in life depends upon hard work and determination while others believe that other factors like money and personal appearance are important 1
The children of today have a greater freedom of choice than ever before. This has led to a discussion regarding the benefits of this phenomenon wherein, some voices advocate the importance of decision making from a young age, especially on matters pertaining to their lives. However, an opposing belief is that it will lead to these children growing up to be individualistic and self centred adults. This essay will discuss both view points and conclude with an opinion. There are two essential benefits in allowing children the freedom of choice in making personal decisions. Firstly, they gain vital life experience from the consequences of the choices they make. This is an invaluable life lesson that cannot be taught by other means. Secondly, the ability to make decisions also accelerates their financial management skills. For instance, in a comparitive study conducted by the University of Oslo, it was observed that children who were given a greater freedom to make decisions from an early age managed to handle their virtual assets in a simulation better than the control group. This result emphasises on the value of letting children choose for themselves. On the other hand, the view that letting children make their own choices will eventually result in self centred adults is somewhat pedantic. Allowing children this freedom is unlikely to result in narcissistic tendencies as there are fewer subconscious regrets in their minds regarding potentially missed opportunities. As an example, 3 out of 5 adults regret having grown up in a stifling environment and reported to have suffered from episodes of envy and retaliatory behaviour. This control centric approach is thus, seemingly counterproductive. To conclude, our society has always comprised of a varied spectrum of people having had different experiences pertaining to decision making in their formative years. Scientific literature points towards the benefits of inculcating the ability to make decisions from an early age. Therefore, I believe that it is crucial for the younger generations to exercise their freedom of choice from a young age.
The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
have a greater
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
freedom
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
choice
than ever
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
. This has led to a discussion regarding the benefits of this phenomenon wherein,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
voices advocate the importance of
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
decision making
from a young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
,
especially
on matters pertaining to their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
However
, an opposing belief is that it will lead to these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
growing up to be individualistic and
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
self centred
adults. This essay will discuss both view points and conclude with an opinion.

There are two essential benefits in allowing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
freedom
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
choice
in making personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
decisions
.
Firstly
, they gain vital life experience from the consequences of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
choices
they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
. This is an invaluable life lesson that cannot
be taught
by other means.
Secondly
, the ability to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
decisions
also
accelerates their financial management
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.
For instance
, in a
Possible spelling mistake found.
comparitive
study conducted by the University of Oslo, it
was observed
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who were
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
a greater
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
freedom
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
decisions
from an early
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
managed to handle their virtual assets in a simulation better than the control group. This result
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "emphases", the plural form of the noun 'emphasis'?
emphasises
on the value of letting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
choose for themselves.

On the other hand
, the view that letting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
choices
will
eventually
result in
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
self centred
adults is somewhat pedantic. Allowing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
freedom
is unlikely to result in narcissistic tendencies as there are fewer subconscious regrets in their minds regarding
potentially
missed opportunities. As an example, 3 out of 5 adults regret having grown up in a stifling environment and reported to have suffered from episodes of envy and retaliatory
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
. This control centric approach is
thus
,
seemingly
counterproductive.

To conclude
, our society has always comprised of a varied spectrum of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
having had
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
experiences pertaining to
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
decision making
in their formative years. Scientific literature points towards the benefits of inculcating the ability to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
decisions
from an early
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
.
Therefore
, I believe that it is crucial for the younger generations to exercise their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
freedom
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
choice
from a young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
One language sets you in a corridor for life. Two languages open every door along the way.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Some people believe that success in life depends upon hard work and determination while others believe that other factors like money and personal appearance are important 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
335 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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