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Some people believe that student should study in groups, other think that they should study alone. What are the benefits of studying in groups and studying alone? What do you think? v.1

Some people believe that student should study in groups, other think that they should study alone. What are the benefits of studying in groups and studying alone? What do you think? v. 1
Increasing numbers of health issues are prevalent in young children in recent times. It is believed by some people that governments are liable to resolve this issue. I agree with this belief to some extent as in my opinion, this situation is the responsibility of both the government, the society and individuals. As the government is responsible for maintaining and improving the economic growth of its country, it must ensure steps in managing and enhancing the health of its youth.  Unhealthy children would mean an unhealthy future generation of a nation, which would result in a slowdown of the economy as a whole. For example, an adult suffering from diabetes at an early age would not be able to consistently work efficiently as he would constantly suffer from lethargy and mental weakness. However, health management targeting children is also the duty of society and its individuals. Health issues among children would get worse with age and might result in other severe diseases such as heart disorders and high blood pressure. These ailments might then be passed through generations and create a pool of unhealthy individuals in the community. As a result, parents as well as other adults need to instill the importance of lifestyle and health management among young children in order to equip them with long-term health consciousness. For instance, a family that follows a healthy routine and fitness regime would cultivate these good habits in their offspring and other kids, and prevent these young children succumbing to health problems. In conclusion, I agree to some extent that governments are responsible for solving the problem of unhealthy and overweight children. But, society and its individuals also play a critical role in overcoming this situation.
Increasing numbers of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
issues are prevalent in young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in recent times. It
is believed
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
are liable to resolve this issue. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this belief to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extent as in my opinion, this situation is the responsibility of both the 
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
, the society and individuals.

As the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
is responsible for maintaining and improving the economic growth of its country, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
ensure steps in managing and enhancing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
of its youth.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
 Unhealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
would mean an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
unhealthy
future generation of a nation, which would result in a slowdown of the economy as a whole.
For example
, an adult suffering from diabetes at an early age would not be able to
consistently
work
efficiently
as he would
constantly
suffer from lethargy and mental weakness.

However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
management targeting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is
also
the duty of society and its individuals.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Health
issues among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
worse with age and might result in other severe diseases such as heart disorders and high blood pressure. These ailments might then
be passed
through generations and create a pool of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
unhealthy
individuals in the community.
As a result
, parents
as well
as other adults need to instill the importance of lifestyle and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
management among young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in order to equip them with long-term
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
consciousness.
For instance
, a family that follows a healthy routine and fitness regime would cultivate these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
habits in their offspring and other kids, and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
these young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
succumbing to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
problems.

In conclusion
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extent that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
are responsible for solving the problem of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
unhealthy
and overweight
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, society and its individuals
also
 play a critical role in overcoming this situation.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay Some people believe that student should study in groups, other think that they should study alone. What are the benefits of studying in groups and studying alone? What do you think? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
272 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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