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some people believe that school should reward students on their academic performances. Anothers said that only students with the best score are be able to rewarded. discuss both view and give opinion. v.1

some people believe that school should reward students on their academic performances. Anothers said that only students with the best score are be able to rewarded. v. 1
Peoples opinions differ as to whether the onus lies with the government or with the parents for the increase in very fat children. A few people believe that the government ought to be held liable for the rising number of overweight children, In contrast, some believe that the parents should be held accountable because children spend more time with them and because they provide more of what they consume. In my strong conviction, it depends on the child because they are in full control of what they eat and are not concerned about the aftermath. Admittedly, some consider that it is the responsibility of the administration to handle the hike for several reasons. Firstly, they possess the authority required to impose tax on these foods known to be the leading cause of bulk-weight such as canned foods otherwise known as ready to eat foods. A survey that was conducted by the NAFDAC in 2017 revealed that about 50% of people living in urban areas had these meals as their staple food owing to the fact that a lot of people live busy lives and have little or no time to themselves to prepare healthy less-fattening meals. In addition, these foods are less expensive, thus they are highly purchased. However, an imposition of taxation will increase the cost on them and as such discourage their purchase. On the other hand, parents should be made to account for their children's health because they provide most of what they consume. A child usually is not financially buoyant to buy whatever they want and in most cases their parents do. Moreover, parents that possess the habit of consuming these foods will hardly avoid their children from having them because children learn faster from what they see. According to an article in the 2013 edition, the author highlighted that most of the habits portrayed by children were also those of their parents. Furthermore, children tend to spend more of their time with their parents and so, if what they feast on cannot be regulated, then the chances of the offspring being healthy is slim which will apparently lead to weight problems. To conclude, despite varying opinions, I believe that the child has a bigger role to play in the control of their weight owing to the fact that they determine what they want to ingest with little or no interest on their dangers. However, I would recommend proper awareness programs to be made to enable them the opportunity to know about their health.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Peoples
opinions differ
Consider shortening this phrase to just "whether", or rephrase the sentence to avoid "as to".
as to whether
the onus lies with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
or with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
for the increase in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. A few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
ought to
be held
liable for the rising number of overweight
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
,
In contrast
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
believe that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should
be held
accountable
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
spend more time with them and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they provide more of what they consume. In my strong conviction, it depends on the child
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are in full control of what they eat and are not concerned about the aftermath.

Admittedly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
consider that it is the responsibility of the administration to handle the hike for several reasons.

Firstly
, they possess the authority required to impose tax on these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
known to be the leading cause of bulk-weight such as canned
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
otherwise
known as ready to eat
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
. A survey that
was conducted
by the NAFDAC in 2017 revealed that about 50% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
living in urban areas had these meals as their staple
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
owing to the fact that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
busy
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
and have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
or no time to themselves to prepare healthy less-fattening meals.
In addition
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
are less expensive,
thus
they are
highly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchased
.
However
, an imposition of taxation will increase the cost on them and as such discourage their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should
be made
to account for their children's health
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they provide most of what they consume. A child
The adverb 'usually' usually goes after the verb 'is'.
usually is
not
financially
buoyant to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
whatever they want and
in most cases
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
do.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
that possess the habit of consuming these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
will hardly avoid their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
from having them
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
learn faster from what they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
. According to an article in the 2013 edition, the author highlighted that most of the habits portrayed by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
were
also
those of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
tend to spend more of their time with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
, if what they feast on cannot
be regulated
, then the chances of the offspring being healthy is slim which will
apparently
lead to weight problems.

To conclude
, despite varying opinions, I believe that the child has a bigger role to play in the control of their weight owing to the fact that they determine what they want to ingest with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
or no interest on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
dangers
.
However
, I would recommend proper awareness programs to
be made
to enable them the opportunity to know about their health.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
A different language is a different vision of life.
Federico Fellini

IELTS essay some people believe that school should reward students on their academic performances. Anothers said that only students with the best score are be able to rewarded. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
418 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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