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The graph shows that the demand for electricity in England during typical days in winter and summer. The pie chart shows how electricity is used in an average English home. v.1

The graph shows that the demand for electricity in England during typical days in winter and summer. The pie chart shows how electricity is used in an average English home. v. 1
Our society is not an ideal. The different kind of families lives there. We see daily, many cases of the gender discrimination in our society and also the issues due to the poverty. There are many causes, why abortion cases are increasing. Some of the causes are; family pressure, poverty, unwanted pregnancy, issues in the foetus and many more. If we look overall, we will see, few cases are the legitimate but many abortion incidents are illegal. People are illegally going for an abortion due to their own reasons. But, if it becomes legal then there will be more misused rather used. Firstly, female foeticide, this is the major issue in the families. Some people don't want female in their family and they give their own logic to justify it. This is a completely illegal practise going in some countries. For example, Abortion was not illegal in India, but due to increased cases of female foeticide, the government made it illegal. So, if it had been legal, it would have been impossible to stop the misuse. Secondly, there are many genuine reasons, where abortion actually needed to save the life of the mother. For example, the cases, where issues in foetus and the cases where pregnancy is life threatening, etc. For example, there was a case in any country, where family knew that born kid will not survive after birth and life of the mother will be in danger while delivery. In this case, abortion justified. But that family struggled to get permission from the respective authority as abortion was not legal in that country. In summary, abortion is disputed topic and growing due to issues in society. Very few people are advocating it to be legal, just to avoid the issues in genuine cases. Most of the members of the society are not in favour abortion because they know the consequences. So, it must not be legal and should be done in the rarest of the rare cases.
Our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
is not an ideal. The
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
there. We
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
daily,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
cases of the gender discrimination in our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
and
also
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issues
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
due
to the poverty.

There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
causes, why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
abortion
cases are increasing.
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
Some of the
causes are;
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
pressure, poverty, unwanted pregnancy,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issues
in the
Possible spelling mistake. 'foetus' is British English.
foetus
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
more. If we look
overall
, we will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
, few cases are the legitimate
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
abortion
incidents are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
illegal
.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
are
illegally
going for an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
abortion
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
due
to their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
reasons.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, if it becomes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
legal
then there will be more misused
rather
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
.

Firstly
, female
Possible spelling mistake found.
foeticide
, this is the major
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issue
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
don't want female in their
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
family and
they give their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
logic to justify it. This is a completely
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
illegal
Possible spelling mistake. 'practise' is British English.
practise
going in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Abortion
was not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
illegal
in India,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
due
to increased cases of female
Possible spelling mistake found.
foeticide
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
made it
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
illegal
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, if it had been
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
legal
, it would have been impossible to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
the misuse.

Secondly
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
genuine reasons, where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
abortion
actually needed to save the life of the mother.
For example
, the cases, where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issues
in
Possible spelling mistake. 'foetus' is British English.
foetus
and the cases where pregnancy is life threatening, etc.
For example
, there was a case in any country, where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
knew that born kid will not survive after birth and life of the mother will be in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
danger
while delivery.
In this case
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
abortion
justified.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
struggled to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
permission from the respective authority as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
abortion
was not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
legal
in that country.

In summary,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
abortion
is disputed
topic and growing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
due
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issues
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Very
few
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are advocating it to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
legal
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
to avoid the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issues
in genuine cases. Most of the members of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
are not in
Possible spelling mistake. 'favour' is British English.
favour
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
abortion
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they know the consequences.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
not be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
legal
and should
be done
in the rarest of the rare cases.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Language comes first. It’s not that language grows out of consciousness, if you haven’t got language, you can’t be conscious.
Alan Moore

IELTS essay The graph shows that the demand for electricity in England during typical days in winter and summer. The pie chart shows how electricity is used in an average English home. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
329 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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