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Some people believe that people who read books for pleasure can develop more imagination and language skills than those who prefer to watch TV. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some people believe that people who read books for pleasure can develop more imagination and language skills than those who prefer to watch TV. v. 1
It is not doubt that there are a variety of entertainments for people nowadays, some people think that reading books have helped bring positive changes than watching TV in aspects of imagination and language. I personally believe that reading books could bring about lot of benefits for people not just limit at developing more the skills of imagination and language. Firstly, the habit of reading can help people to foster patience which is very much become useful later in their life. Because when the encountering emergencies such as diseases or accidents, those people who is the patience could tackle these kinds of problems better comparatively. Also, it is admitted that a kid who has read books persistently from earliest hours has indeed more vocabularies and fancy ideas than the peer who did not. Through reading books, such as the literature, the science and so on, kids are willing to focus on their energy into some chapters or questions that obsess themselves, meanwhile their brain is exercised. On the other hand, we should not ignore the positive effects of watching TV, which has its unique advantages --- visual and sound. For an infant or a little baby under 3, it is impossible that they are getting to family with this world through books. For example, a singing bird skims a blue river on a television screen, which attract baby’s attention tightly. The kid is prone to imitate the song and image what is the bird. Therefore, watching television is also an efficient approach to sharpen their essential skills. In conclusion, I think that whether people to watch TV or read books, just finding the right way can bring beneficial results.
It is not doubt that there are a variety of entertainments for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
nowadays,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reading
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
books
have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
bring
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
than watching TV in aspects of imagination and language.

I
personally
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reading
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
books
could bring about
It seems that an article is missing.
lot of
benefits for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
limit at developing more the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
of imagination and language.
Firstly
, the habit of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reading
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to foster patience which is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
much become useful later in their life.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
when the encountering emergencies such as diseases or accidents, those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
Did you mean "am", "are", "aren"? Alternatively, check whether the singular of 'people' should be used.
is
the patience could tackle these kinds of problems better
comparatively
.
Also
, it
is admitted
that a kid who has read
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
books
persistently
from
A determiner is probably missing here: "the earliest".
earliest
hours has
indeed
more vocabularies and fancy
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
than the peer who did not. Through
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reading
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
books
, such as the literature, the science and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on, kids are willing to focus on their energy into
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
chapters or questions that obsess themselves, meanwhile their brain
is exercised
.

On the other hand
, we should not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignore
the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
effects of watching TV, which has its unique advantages --- visual and sound. For an infant or a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
baby under 3, it is impossible that they are getting to family with this world through
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
books
.
For example
, a singing bird skims a blue river on a television screen, which attract baby’s attention
tightly
. The kid is prone to imitate the song and image what is the bird.
Therefore
, watching television is
also
an efficient approach to sharpen their essential
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.

In conclusion
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that whether
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
TV or read
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
books
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
finding the right way can bring beneficial results.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
16Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that people who read books for pleasure can develop more imagination and language skills than those who prefer to watch TV. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
279 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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