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Some people believe that parents should pay their children a small amount of money to do jobs around the home (such as washing the dishes or taking out the garbage), while other people believe that parents should not pay their children to do these tasks. v.1

Some people believe that parents should pay their children a small amount of money to do jobs around the home (such as washing the dishes or taking out the garbage), while other people believe that parents should not pay their children to do these tasks. v. 1
Some would argue that they should be prepared to put up with situations such as scarcity of money or jobs that they hate, whereas others believe that it is important to try to change circumstances for the better. While people have fewer opportunities and there are risks involved, I believe that trying to improve their situations can be awarded a great career and success. One the one hand some say that they have to make the most of a bad situation because in terms of jobs they fear being redundant and do not want to take any risks. In other words, some people do have financial liabilities and without work, their situation could be worse. Therefore, they tolerate low wages and long hours or lack of promotions. For example, according to research done by the Guardian working single mothers in the UK are often short of money and have to face challenges of supporting a family while doing a low pay-tiring job. Despite this, I think that people can always look for other alternatives while working. On the other hand, it is best to try to change bad situations because hard work and dedication can result in better career growth and success. That is to say that if people give their best in their work, they can get promotions. Thus, they should keep looking for better opportunities and they can be successful in changing their life for the better. For instance, Christian Ronaldo was born in a poor family, which could not afford to pay a fee for professional football training, however, he did part-time jobs and got enough money to be enrolled in Portugal professional training school and now he is one of the best footballers in the world. In conclusion, although there is a huge risk in changing situations for people who are not financially strong, I believe that they can get success in a career by trying to change their situations.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
would argue that they should
be prepared
to put up with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
situations
such as scarcity of money or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
that they hate, whereas others believe that it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to try to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
circumstances for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
. While
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have fewer opportunities and there are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
involved, I believe that trying to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
situations
can
be awarded
a great career and success.

Did you mean "on"?
One
the one hand
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
say that they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the most of a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
situation
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
in terms of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
they fear being redundant and do not want to take any
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do have financial liabilities and without work, their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
situation
could be worse.
Therefore
, they tolerate low wages and long hours or lack of promotions.
For example
, according to research done by the Guardian working single mothers in the UK are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
short of money and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
face challenges of supporting a family while doing a low pay-tiring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
. Despite this, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can always look for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
alternatives while working.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, it is best to try to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
situations
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work and dedication can result in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
career growth and success.
That is
to say that if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
give their best in their work, they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
promotions.
Thus
, they should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
looking for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
opportunities and
they can be successful in changing their
Did you mean "lives"?
life
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
.
For instance
, Christian Ronaldo
was born
in a poor family, which could not afford to pay a fee for professional football training,
however
, he did part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
money to
be enrolled
in Portugal professional training school and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
he is one of the best footballers in the world.

In conclusion
, although there is a huge
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
in changing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
situations
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who are not
financially
strong, I believe that they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
success in a career by trying to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
situations
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that parents should pay their children a small amount of money to do jobs around the home (such as washing the dishes or taking out the garbage), while other people believe that parents should not pay their children to do these tasks. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
324 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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