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Some people believe that our happiness depends on how much money we have. Others say that money cannot buy happiness. Do you think that having money is the key to happiness, or are there more important factors? v.1

Some people believe that our happiness depends on how much money we have. Others say that money cannot buy happiness. Do you think that having money is the key to happiness, or are there more important factors? v. 1
Happiness is a widespread concern for us all, especially in today’s fast-changing and unpredictable world. While some might argue that this state of mind has great dependence on the amount of money we have, I agree with other people who point to a range of equally vital elements which will be discussed here. Perhaps no one can deny the key role of money to play in promoting our level of happiness. Having abundant sources of finance can not only safeguard us from unexpected situations of crisis or disease but also maintain our social relationships, thus leading to a better quality of life. For instance, a man would never be able to feel contented if he couldn’t send his children to school due to trouble of funding, which could result in potentially damaging his kids’ career prospects in the long term. That is the reason why many of us always try our best to make more money to guarantee a better life and consequent contentedness. However, I believe that there are various at least equally important factors that should not be ignored. Foremost among these is the presence of our elder family members, such as parents or grandparents. No matter how much a person earn or the amount of money that person has in bank account, he or she would by no means find themselves to be happy without being surrounded by their older relatives. For example, I remember being awfully miserable at the funeral of my grandpa when I was in college, though knowing that death is the destination that we all share. Secondly, having a job that you love doing also greatly contribute to our state of contentedness. Work is an indispensable part of our everyday life and doing enjoyable work would definitely make us feel happier. In conclusion, it seems to me that money absolutely improve our level of being happy but other crucial elements should also not be skipped, including family members and positive feelings at work.
Happiness is a widespread concern for us all,
especially
in
today
’s
fast
-changing and unpredictable world. While
some
might argue that this state of mind has great dependence on the amount of
money
we have, I
agree
with other
people
who point to a range of
equally
vital elements which will
be discussed
here.

Perhaps no one can deny the key role of
money
to play in promoting our level of happiness. Having abundant sources of finance can not
only
safeguard us from unexpected situations of crisis or disease
but
also
maintain our social relationships,
thus
leading to a better quality of life.
For instance
, a
man
would never be able to feel contented if he couldn’t
send
his children to school due to trouble of funding, which could result in
potentially
damaging his kids’ career prospects in the long term.
That is
the reason why
many
of us always try our best to
make
more
money
to guarantee a better life and consequent contentedness.

However
, I believe that there are various at least
equally
important
factors that should not be
ignored
. Foremost among
these is
the presence of our elder family members, such as parents or grandparents. No matter how much a person earn or the amount of
money
that person has in bank account, he or she would by no means find themselves to be happy without
being surrounded
by their older relatives.
For example
, I remember being awfully miserable at the funeral of my grandpa when I was in college, though knowing that death is the destination that we all share.
Secondly
, having a job that you
love
doing
also
greatly
contribute to our state of contentedness. Work is an indispensable part of our everyday life and doing enjoyable work would definitely
make
us feel happier.

In conclusion
, it seems to me that
money
absolutely
improve
our level of being happy
but
other crucial elements should
also
not
be skipped
, including family members and
positive
feelings at work.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
Language is the blood of the soul into which thoughts run and out of which they grow.
Oliver Wendell Holmes

IELTS essay Some people believe that our happiness depends on how much money we have. Others say that money cannot buy happiness. Do you think that having money is the key to happiness, or are there more important factors? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
330 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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