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Some people believe that our happiness depend on how much money we have. Others say that ‘money cannot buy happiness. ’ Do you think that having money is the key to happiness, or are there more important factors? v.2

Some people believe that our happiness depend on how much money we have. Others say that ‘money cannot buy happiness. ’ Do you think that having money is the key to happiness, or are there more important factors? v. 2
All of us want to be happy in life. Happiness has different meaning for every person. For some people having money is happiness, as they can purchase anything and fulfil their dreams. While, for others being happy is independent of the financial condition of a person. In my opinion, being wealthy doesn't make an individual smile. First of all, if prosperity implies joy, then all the poor people must be gloomy, but it is not true. I believe that being satisfied with what you have is the most important factor to be cheerful in life. For instance, if we compare our lifestyle with the rich people, a human being always feels bad and sad, but if we compare our present with our past, one can definitely feel proud and content. Also, with the assets, everything cannot be purchased or achieved. Love and support of the near and dear ones are equally important to be merry. There are numerous cases of depression in the news, most of these patients are from well-off families. If monetary condition makes joyous then why are rich people dealing with depression. Even if they are depressed, why can't these people become happy again by taking expensive medicines and get rid of the problem. For example, there was a famous case in the newspaper where a top industrialist committed suicide. On investigation, police revealed that he was in search of love and warmth and was not over the moon with his 500 Dollars property. In conclusion, one should not run after cash and instead concentrate on being the best version of oneself. This will definitely make you feel better, satisfied and feel on top of the world.
All of us want to be happy in life. Happiness has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
meaning for every person. For
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
having money is happiness, as they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
anything and fulfil their dreams. While, for others being happy is independent of the financial condition of a person. In my opinion, being wealthy doesn't
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
an individual smile.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, if prosperity implies joy, then all the poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be gloomy,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it is not true. I believe that
being satisfied
with what you have is the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
factor to be cheerful in life.
For instance
, if we compare our lifestyle with the rich
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, a human being always
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
feels
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
and sad,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
if we compare our present with our past, one can definitely
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
feel
proud and content.

Also
, with the assets, everything cannot be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchased
or achieved.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Love
and support of the near and dear ones are
equally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to be merry. There are numerous cases of depression in the news, most of these patients are from well-off families. If monetary condition
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
joyous then why are rich
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
dealing with depression. Even if they
are depressed
, why can't these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
become happy again by taking expensive medicines and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
rid of the problem.
For example
, there was a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
case in the newspaper where a top industrialist committed suicide. On investigation, police revealed that he was in search of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
and warmth and was not over the moon with his 500 Dollars property.

In conclusion
, one should not run after cash and
instead
concentrate on being the best version of oneself. This will definitely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
you
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
feel
better, satisfied and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
feel
on top of the world.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
The limits of my language are the limits of my world.
Ludwig Wittgenstein

IELTS essay Some people believe that our happiness depend on how much money we have. Others say that ‘money cannot buy happiness. ’ Do you think that having money is the key to happiness, or are there more important factors? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
280 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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