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Many people think that personal happiness is directly related to economic success. Others argue that happiness depends on other factors. Discuss both sides and give your opinion. v.1

Many people think that personal happiness is directly related to economic success. Others argue that happiness depends on other factors. v. 1
People often face to many problematic circumstances in the life. Some people think that we had better take root in dreadful results, while others believe that the best way is that making an effort in overcome awful things and try to find solutions to deal with problems. In the scope of this essay, both of the views will be thoroughly discussed, personally, I completely agree with the second view. On the one hand, sometimes many people have to put up with the bad situation to have stable income and comfort in their life. For example, there are many graduated students from famous university cannot find the job which matches their university major, so that they might approve of unexpected underpaid works or even they may receive ungrateful treatment at work. Nonetheless, getting the constant salary to pay the cost of living such as electric bills, the money of renting houses encourages them to keep up support the terrible jobs. Furthermore, earning money with the modest amount of money but gaining a lot of happiness would be better than having more money from illegal activities. Therefore, accepting the current situation many be a better solution for some people not than refusing valuable things make the such vast ambitions in the future. On the other hand, taking the best attempts to overcome current disappointing conditions would be rewarded with the greater career. For instance, in my neighbourhood, there was a student who was born in a poor family, his parents were farmers and did not have enough money to pay for fees if he had gone to the university. It was admirable that he tried his best to study and gained the scholarship of his favourite university and became an official student. After that, by his efforts every day, when he graduated, he became a professional doctor as he desired and has earned a lot of money per month. Thence, he and his parents have had a most wonderful life with adequate convenience. Thus, the harder you try, the more success you do. In conclusion, in some typical conditions, people would know what the best solution is by accepting the current situation or trying and improving such situation. Each of them might bring both physical and mental benefits for people.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
face to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
problematic circumstances in the life.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that we had better take root in dreadful results, while others believe that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
best
way is that making an effort in overcome awful things and try to find solutions to deal with problems. In the scope of this essay, both of the views will be
thoroughly
discussed,
personally
, I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the second view.

On the one hand,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
put up with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
situation
to have stable income and comfort in their life.
For example
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
graduated students from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
cannot find the job which matches their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
major,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they might approve of unexpected underpaid works or even they may receive ungrateful treatment at work. Nonetheless, getting the constant salary to pay the cost of living such as electric bills, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
of renting
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
houses
encourages them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
up support the terrible jobs.
Furthermore
, earning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
with the modest amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
gaining
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
happiness would be better than having more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
from illegal activities.
Therefore
, accepting the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
situation
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
be a better solution for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
not than refusing valuable things
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the such vast ambitions in the future.

On the other hand
, taking the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
best
attempts to overcome
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
disappointing conditions would
be rewarded
with the greater career.
For instance
, in my
Possible spelling mistake. 'neighbourhood' is British English.
neighbourhood
, there was a student who
was born
in a poor family, his parents were farmers and did not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to pay for fees if he had gone to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
. It was admirable that he tried his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
best
to study and gained the scholarship of his
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
and became an official student. After that, by his efforts every day, when he graduated, he became a professional doctor as he desired and has earned
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
per month. Thence, he and his parents have had a most wonderful life with adequate convenience.
Thus
, the harder you try, the more success you do.

In conclusion
, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
typical conditions,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would know what the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
best
solution is by accepting the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
situation
or trying and improving such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
situation
. Each of them might bring both physical and mental benefits for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes
Language is not a genetic gift, it is a social gift. Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Many people think that personal happiness is directly related to economic success. Others argue that happiness depends on other factors. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
378 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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