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Some people believe that our happiness depend on how much money we have. Others say that ‘money cannot buy happiness. ’ Do you think that having money is the key to happiness, or are there more important factors? v.1

Some people believe that our happiness depend on how much money we have. Others say that ‘money cannot buy happiness. ’ Do you think that having money is the key to happiness, or are there more important factors? v. 1
It is argued that happiness is dependent on the amount of money we have. But others believe that money is the key lead to happiness. I agree with this idea, but not completely. Money plays a significant role in our lives. It is obvious that we need money to pay for bills and buy essentials. In addition, we can use money to buy luxuries which we love, such as fashionable clothes in a special occasion or cinema tickets to entertain together with family and friends. Therefore, I believe that the more money we have for a good standard of living the more comfortable and cheerful we are. For instance, Bill Gates is a billionaire who founded Microsoft. His present life is affluence and comfortable with a smartest house in the world, monumental private aircraft and massive supercar collection. Nevertheless, money is not the only factor to lead to happiness. For someone, they have a great family and some good friends who raise them up when they fail so they are happy. Others said that they look for happiness through some works which contribute to community, especially help unlucky people and the old. To me, I very cheerful and comfortable when I have many great comic books and watch television all my free time without complain from my parents. Therefore, there can be many factors that create happiness. In conclusion, in my point of view, having a huge amount of money is a great thing however it is not the single factors which contribute to happiness. Everyone is different so the key to happiness of each person is different.
It
is argued
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
is dependent on the amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
we have.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
others believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is the key lead to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not completely.

Money plays a significant role in our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. It is obvious that we need
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to pay for bills and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
essentials.
In addition
, we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
luxuries which we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
, such as fashionable clothes in a special occasion or cinema tickets to entertain together with family and friends.
Therefore
, I believe that the more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
we have for a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
standard of living the more comfortable and cheerful we are.
For instance
, Bill Gates is a billionaire who founded Microsoft. His present life is affluence and comfortable with
Use "the" with the superlative.
a
smartest
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
in the world, monumental private aircraft and massive supercar collection.

Nevertheless
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is not the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
factor to lead to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
. For someone, they have a great family and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
friends who raise them up when they fail
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they are happy. Others said that they look for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
through
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
works which contribute to community,
especially
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
unlucky
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
and the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
. To me, I
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
cheerful and comfortable when I have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
great comic books and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
television all my free time without complain from my parents.
Therefore
, there can be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
factors that create happiness.

In conclusion
, in my point of view, having a huge amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is a great thing
however
it is not the single factors which contribute to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
. Everyone is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
the key to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
of each person is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
13Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that our happiness depend on how much money we have. Others say that ‘money cannot buy happiness. ’ Do you think that having money is the key to happiness, or are there more important factors? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
268 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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