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Some people believe that music should be taught in schools, while others think that it is best to focus on computer and science. What is your opinion? v.1

Some people believe that music should be taught in schools, while others think that it is best to focus on computer and science. What is your opinion? v. 1
Education has been evolving gradually and providing students the new sectors, in which they can transform himself into a discreet person. Therefore, a bunch of people believe that schools should focus on music, while others think that only attention on computer and science for a student’s better prospect. In my opinion, music should also be taught in schools and I will explain why it is. Firstly, undoubtedly computer and science increase the cognitive skills. It is masonry to be a prudent child. For instance, our former president, Mr. APJ Abdul Kalam abdicates his childhood into science and you know the rest is history. These two aspects can form an intellectual and an insightful individual. For example, a situation where one stuck in quite difficult position, he can resolve the issue by his cleverness and this could be possible due to his profound sense in science and computer. These subjects are also aidable resources for your prosperous fate. Secondly, music also a better subject learn, despair person has the only key to happiness is music. Intellectuals believe that music is a simple and redundant subject to learn but they are wrong and inaccurate. Music has a vast and huge sense of reaching an individual thought and it can reflect in their musing. For instance, when our national anthem is playing, everyone feels Goosebumps and its wake our patriotism. Music has no boundaries and it provides a bound learning. For example, when one is confused for taking a decision, he can hear the songs in calm and peaceful mind can make a proper decision. Music has also a bright future, anyone can take classes in music learning and he can be a professional in music industry. Finally, science, computer and music have an equal quality. In my opinion, music should also be taught in schools because our country needs future music scholars to bring vigour in human lives.
Education has been evolving
gradually
and providing students the new sectors, in which they can transform himself into a discreet person.
Therefore
, a bunch of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that schools should focus on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
, while others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
attention on computer and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
for a student’s better prospect. In my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
should
also
be taught
in schools and I will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
why it is.

Firstly
,
undoubtedly
computer and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
increase the cognitive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
. It is masonry to be a prudent child.
For instance
, our former president, Mr. APJ Abdul
Possible spelling mistake found.
Kalam
abdicates his childhood into
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
and you know the rest is history. These two aspects can form an intellectual and an insightful individual.
For example
, a situation where one stuck in quite difficult position, he can resolve the issue by his cleverness and this could be possible due to his profound sense in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
and computer. These subjects are
also
Possible spelling mistake found.
aidable
resources for your prosperous fate.

Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
also
a better subject learn, despair person has the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
key to happiness is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
. Intellectuals believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is a simple and redundant subject to learn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
and inaccurate.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Music
has a vast and huge sense of reaching an individual
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
and it can reflect in their musing.
For instance
, when our national anthem is playing, everyone feels Goosebumps and its wake our patriotism.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Music
has no boundaries and it provides a bound learning.
For example
, when one
is confused
for taking a decision, he can hear the songs in calm and peaceful mind can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a proper decision.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Music
has
also
a bright future, anyone can take classes in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
learning and
he can be a professional in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
industry.

Finally
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
, computer and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
have an equal quality. In my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
should
also
be taught
in schools
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
our country needs future
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
scholars to bring
Possible spelling mistake found.
vigour
in human
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that music should be taught in schools, while others think that it is best to focus on computer and science. What is your opinion? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
316 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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