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Some people believe that music should be taught in school, while others think it us best to focus on computer and science. What is your opinion? v.1

Some people believe that music should be taught in school, while others think it us best to focus on computer and science. What is your opinion? v. 1
Nowadays, certain folks elaborate creative activities such as music could be a part of, school curriculum. In contrast, others argue that computing and science should be given the preference. In my view, following the complete range of subjects along with music at primary level is necessary despite the difficulty in lesson time allocation. In short, the necessity of musics can be fulfilled at primary's. Although continuing computer and science up to the academic level is vital. Firstly, variations of the thesis and creative skills are important to create the fundamental intelligence of teenagers, furthermore student satisfaction from creative arts encourages them for studies. Such as, hip-hop cultural and jazz performances to improve social integration as well as shaping students with creativity. As a result, a healthy mind will contribute to the society in many ways. In a word, a person with creative activity such as music would keep him and others happy. On the other hand, at academy level students should be given the opportunity to concentrate on the main subjects, while creative practices as a hobby of after school. To illustrate, computer's as hardware, software and networking along with biology and chemistry expanded range of subcategories, which are vital as well as time consuming. Lesson time, allocating during institution hours will be hectic for teachers and the management. In short, more time and effort is necessary to teach computing and scientific lessons, which is important for job prosperity in future. In conclusion, based on job prosperity, technical subjects like IT and science should be up to academic standards, while musics only at primary levels, will benefit learners at academic or work. In my opinion, parents and teachers should collaborate together to expose their children to identify learning periods for extra subjects. In short, success relies on contribution towards knowledge.
Nowadays, certain folks elaborate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
creative
activities such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
could be a part of, school curriculum.
In contrast
, others argue that computing and science should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
the preference. In my view, following the complete range of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
along with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
at primary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
level
is necessary despite the difficulty in lesson
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
allocation.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
In
short, the necessity of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
musics
can
be fulfilled
at primary's. Although continuing computer and science up to the academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
level
is vital.

Firstly
, variations of the thesis and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
creative
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to create the fundamental intelligence of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
,
furthermore
student satisfaction from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
creative
arts encourages them for studies. Such as, hip-hop cultural and jazz performances to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
social integration
as well
as shaping students with creativity.
As a result
, a healthy mind will contribute to the society in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
ways. In a word, a person with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
creative
activity such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
him
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
and others
happy.

On the other hand
, at academy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
level
students should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
the opportunity to concentrate on the main
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
, while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
creative
practices as a hobby of after school. To illustrate, computer's as hardware, software and networking along with biology and chemistry expanded range of subcategories, which are vital
as well
as
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
time consuming
. Lesson
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, allocating during institution hours will be hectic for teachers and the management. In short, more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and effort is necessary to teach computing and scientific lessons, which is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for job prosperity
Did you mean: "in the future"?
in future
.

In conclusion
, based on job prosperity, technical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
like IT and science should be up to academic standards, while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
musics
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
at primary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
levels
, will benefit learners at academic or work.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
In
my opinion, parents and teachers should collaborate together to expose their children to identify learning periods for extra
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
In
short, success relies on contribution towards knowledge.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
Change your language and you change your thoughts.
Karl Albrecht

IELTS essay Some people believe that music should be taught in school, while others think it us best to focus on computer and science. What is your opinion? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
300 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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