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Some people believ that music should be taught in the schools, while others belive that its best to focus on science and computer. Do you agree? v.1

Some people believ that music should be taught in the schools, while others belive that its best to focus on science and computer. Do you agree? v. 1
The curriculum is updated regularly according to the needs, interests or abilities of the learners. Owing to this, some educationalist believes that the syllabus should focus on subjects related to science and technology rather than focusing on the music. I argue that teaching science has more benefits than music; however, this cannot be the reason to drop the music subject from the syllabus. Studying IT and science course provides better job opportunities to the students. Everyone around the globe is talking about intelligent robots, self-driving cars and colonization of Mars. This goal cannot be achieved unless there are enough skilled researchers and engineers. The demand, for instance, for students graduating from science course is ten times more than any other field. Adding to this, the world is facing scarcity of talented researchers in various fields because of which probability of getting a well-paid job is higher than any other field. Having said that, studying science is not everyone's cup of tea. To succeed in the scientific field, one should be comfortable with mathematics, physics and chemistry. Not every student is interested in studying these subjects; therefore they must be provided with other choices such as music. Besides this, some students are born with an innate talent for music, which makes them more successful in the field of entertainment. For example, Arijit Singh, a well-known singer from India, is far more famous than that of many scientists and researchers. Therefore, excluding the music from the curriculum is not justifiable. In conclusion, I agree that studies in the field of science and computers provide better opportunities for graduates. However, this cannot be a reason to stop teaching music as some students might have the talent to excel in the field of music.
The curriculum
is updated
regularly
according to the needs, interests or abilities of the learners. Owing to this,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
educationalist believes that the syllabus should focus on subjects related to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
and technology
rather
than focusing on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
. I argue that teaching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
has more benefits than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
;
however
, this cannot be the reason to drop the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
subject from the syllabus.

Studying IT and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
course provides better job opportunities to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
. Everyone around the globe is talking about intelligent robots, self-driving cars and colonization of Mars. This goal cannot
be achieved
unless there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
skilled researchers and engineers. The demand,
for instance
, for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
graduating from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
course is ten times more than any other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
field
. Adding to this, the world is facing scarcity of talented researchers in various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fields
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of which probability of getting a well-paid job is higher than any other field.

Having said that, studying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
is not everyone's cup of tea. To succeed in the scientific
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
field
, one should be comfortable with mathematics, physics and chemistry. Not every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
is interested
in studying these subjects;
therefore
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be provided
with other choices such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
.
Besides
this,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are born
with an innate talent for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them more successful in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
field
of entertainment.
For example
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Arijit
Singh, a well-known singer from India, is far more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
than that of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
scientists and researchers.
Therefore
, excluding the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
from the curriculum is not justifiable.

In conclusion
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that studies in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
field
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
and computers provide better opportunities for graduates.
However
, this cannot be a reason to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
teaching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
might have the talent to excel in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
field
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
25Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believ that music should be taught in the schools, while others belive that its best to focus on science and computer. Do you agree? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
290 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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