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Some people believe that music should be taught in school, while others think that it is best to focus on science and computer. Do you agree or Disagree? v.1

Some people believe that music should be taught in school, while others think that it is best to focus on science and computer. v. 1
This days education at school covers a wide aspect of different subject, you can learn about art music, but at the same time you are getting skills from IT, or gathering the knowledge about science. Some people believe that knowledge from one subject is more important than others, and I would like to look closer into that question. Everyone is different, and has different abilities, some of us are good at sports, and don't mind sweating every day at the gym, but others really enjoy drama lessons. It clearly shows, that people have different talents, and during their education at school they can discover these talents in a safe environment. It is very hard to decide which subject is more important. If we limited the education and opportunities only into certain subjects, we would risk that kids with other talents want to be able to discover them. Music is not everyone thing, but I'm convinced that having music as a subject at school helps many children discover, that singing or playing on an instrument is exactly what they want to do in life. Technology becomes an important part of our lives this day, learning computer skills at school is essential, you even can't really do your homework if you don't have basic computer skills, not mentioning communication at the workplace in the future. IT skills are needed in every part of our life. Some of the kids are really good at science, enjoy learning biology, chemistry or physics and it is important for everyone to have basic knowledge of this subject, but I am not convinced, that giving up on teaching music at school will be beneficial for children at school age.
It seems that a possessive apostrophe is missing.
This days
education at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
covers a wide aspect of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
, you can learn about art music,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
at the same time you are getting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
from IT, or gathering the knowledge about science.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that knowledge from one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
is more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
than others, and I would like to look closer into that question.

Everyone is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
, and has
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
abilities,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of us are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
at sports, and don't mind sweating every day at the gym,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
others
really
enjoy drama lessons. It
clearly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
, that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
talents, and during their education at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
they can discover these talents in a safe environment. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to decide which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
is more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
. If we limited the education and opportunities
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
into certain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
, we would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
that kids with other talents want to be able to discover them.

Music is not everyone thing,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I'm convinced that having music as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
children discover, that singing or playing on an instrument is exactly what they want to do in life. Technology becomes an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
part of our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
this day, learning computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
is essential, you even can't
really
do your homework if you don't have basic computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
, not mentioning communication at the workplace in the future. IT
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
are needed
in every part of our life.

If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
Some of the
kids are
really
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
at science, enjoy learning biology, chemistry or physics and it is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
for everyone to have basic knowledge of this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I am not convinced, that giving up on teaching music at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
will be beneficial for children at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
age.
1Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
24Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that music should be taught in school, while others think that it is best to focus on science and computer. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
282 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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