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Some people believe that mothers should not work. Others argue against this. Consider the problems that a working mother faces. Do you think mothers should work. v.2

Some people believe that mothers should not work. Others argue against this. Consider the problems that a working mother faces. Do you think mothers should work. v. 2
Despite the difficulties that occupied mothers may encounter, I strongly believe that mothers should work. Therefore, they practice their independency in financial and social regards. So, they can afford their family, be socially satisfied, and in return become a good role model for their babies. A relatively common belief among mediocre people is that the most prominent job of a mother is growing up children. They postulate working mothers cannot have quality time with their offspring. An employed mother who is exhausted after a tiring working day barely can pay enough attention to her children needs. On the other hand, women right activists strongly argue that an employed mom experiences economical strength as well as social worthiness. Thus, she definitely constructs a higher degree of self-esteem than most of her unemployed peers. Consequently, such mother is rather successful in growing up strong children. In addition, diversity of social contacts helps mothers to obtain novel ideas of child bearing and provids them with higher chance of handling daily life obstacles by help of those links. Considering pros and cons of being a working mother, social experts suggest part-time employment for mothers. Thus, they can meet their child bearing responsibilities while enjoying a prolific social life. Moreover, they underline net-working and tele-working as favorable options for some mothers. In this way, they only need a phone line, a personal computer, and an internet line. They can spend all their time at home near their children without being hindered from earning their livings. In summary, a working mother makes money and is able to be financially independent. This is especially of critical value for single mothers. Employed mothers hold positive self-image that helps them to bring up strong individuals. Additionally, socially active mothers have better chance to manage their lives successfully compared to non-active ones. Thus, I agree hundred percent with mothers' working.
Despite the difficulties that occupied mothers may encounter, I
strongly
believe that mothers should work.
Therefore
, they practice their
Possible spelling mistake found.
independency
in financial and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
regards.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, they can afford their family, be
socially
satisfied, and in return become a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
role model for their babies.

A
relatively
common belief among mediocre
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
is
that the most prominent job of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mother
is growing up
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. They postulate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
mothers cannot have quality time with their offspring. An employed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mother
who
is exhausted
after a tiring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
day
barely
can pay
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
attention to her
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
needs.

On the other hand
, women right activists
strongly
argue that an employed mom experiences economical strength
as well
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
worthiness.
Thus
, she definitely constructs a higher degree of self-esteem than most of her unemployed peers.
Consequently
, such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mother
is
rather
successful in growing up strong
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
In addition
, diversity of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
contacts
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
mothers to obtain novel
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
of child bearing and
Possible spelling mistake found.
provids
them with higher chance of handling daily life obstacles by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of those links.

Considering pros and cons of being a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mother
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
experts suggest part-time employment for mothers.
Thus
, they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
their child bearing responsibilities while enjoying a prolific
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
life.
Moreover
, they underline net-working and
Possible spelling mistake found.
tele-working
as favorable options for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
mothers. In this way, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
need a phone line, a personal computer, and an internet line. They can spend all their time at home near their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
without
being hindered
from earning their livings.

In summary, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mother
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
money and is able to be
financially
independent. This is
especially
of critical value for single mothers. Employed mothers hold
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
self-image that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them to bring up strong individuals.
Additionally
,
socially
active mothers have better chance to manage their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
successfully
compared to non-active ones.
Thus
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
Use "a hundred" or use a number before 'hundred'.
hundred
percent with
Possible spelling mistake found.
mothers&
#039;
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
19Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that mothers should not work. Others argue against this. Consider the problems that a working mother faces. Do you think mothers should work. v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
310 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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