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Some people believe that mothers should not work. Others argue against this. Consider the problems that a working mother faces. Do you think mothers should work. v.1

Some people believe that mothers should not work. Others argue against this. Consider the problems that a working mother faces. Do you think mothers should work. v. 1
Every day, there are thousands of children incarcerated in youth prisons, meanwhile thousands more are also locked up in adult prisons and jails. Sadly, this figure of youth crime tends to grow bigger and bigger day by day. Therefore, I could not deny that juvenile delinquency is such an alarming negative fact that influences directly on the whole society, especially teenagers’ personalities. The most common reason could be explained this serious reality is that the divorce and domestic violence rates have always been sticking to the juvenile delinquency one. It means that under those discordant roofs, kids are simply fed instead of receiving some careful attention or even any educations methodically from adults; more seriously, they are victims of child abuse, which may stuffs into children’s thought with evil behaviours as their relatives have done. They could be obsessed with cruel actions and always think that any problems in some cases must be solved by violence only! In addition, poverty, especially in developing countries, is really an objective factor in growing the proportion of juvenile delinquency. Having lived in slums and regularly faced with years of bad harvests, children are forced to be pickpockets, kidnappers as well as robbers unwillingly because without being a crime, they may die of starvation. However, even when overcoming difficulties, the juveniles consider thieving as a lifelong job instead of searching for a legal occupation. In conclusion, youth crime is an urgently dangerous problem which needs an immediate action from regional governments. From my point of view, adults play a crucial role in controlling this situation by not only reducing domestic violence at least as possible but also leading children to a human and moral life.
Every day, there are thousands of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
incarcerated in youth prisons, meanwhile thousands more are
also
locked up in adult prisons and jails.
Sadly
, this figure of youth crime tends to grow bigger and bigger day by day.
Therefore
, I could not deny that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
juvenile
delinquency is such an alarming
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
fact that influences
directly
on the whole
society,
especially
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
’ personalities.

The most common reason could be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explained
this serious reality is that the divorce and domestic violence rates have always been sticking to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
juvenile
delinquency one. It means that under those discordant roofs, kids are
simply
fed
instead
of receiving
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
careful attention or even any educations
methodically
from adults; more
seriously
, they are victims of child abuse, which may stuffs into
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
with evil
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviours' is British English.
behaviours
as their relatives have done. They could
be obsessed
with cruel actions and always
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that any problems in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
cases
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be solved
by violence
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
!

In addition
, poverty,
especially
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing countries
, is
really
an objective factor in growing the proportion of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
juvenile
delinquency. Having
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lived
in slums and
regularly
faced with years of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
harvests,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are forced
to be pickpockets, kidnappers
as well
as robbers
unwillingly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
without being a crime, they may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
die
of starvation.
However
, even when overcoming difficulties, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
juveniles
consider thieving as a lifelong job
instead
of searching for a legal occupation.

In conclusion
, youth crime is an
urgently
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
problem which needs an immediate action from regional
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
. From my point of view, adults play a crucial role in controlling this situation by not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
reducing domestic violence at least as possible
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
leading
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to a human and moral life.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
You can never understand one language until you understand at least two.
Geoffrey Willans

IELTS essay Some people believe that mothers should not work. Others argue against this. Consider the problems that a working mother faces. Do you think mothers should work. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
281 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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