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Some people believe that longer holidays must be given to employees so that they do heir job better. To what extent do you agree? v.1

Some people believe that longer holidays must be given to employees so that they do heir job better. v. 1
As humans, we all need a break from our hectic schedules and employees are no exception in this matter. While I believe that the above statement is true, it may not always be worth giving a longer holiday to the employees. Firstly, employers must offer fringe benefits such as extended holidays to employees so as to motivate them to do better. A highly motivated employee is likely to perform much better than one who has a significantly low willpower. Additionally, viewing this issue in an everyday context, we know for a fact that ordinary people are also more determined to complete a given task if they are bound by a promise- to receive a reward upon the successful completion of the task. Hence, it is evident that an employee who is motivated with the much needed lengthy break would be more dedicated and employers can surely benefit from their input. On the other side of the coin, if a holiday extension is offered to employees, they may become less serious about the work they do. For instance, an employee who has just returned from a 2 week holiday may have lost touch with their everyday works and may simply not be in the mood to resume their mundane routine. This is because they become resistant to holidays and gradually lose interest in work, resulting in a need for kick-start activities or the provision of financial incentives to keep them on-track. Consequently, business expenditure may escalate and employers may eventually incur a loss. In a nutshell, I strongly believe that non-financial incentives like extra holidays must be offered to employees in order to keep their spirits high and encourage them to excel in all aspects of work life. That being said, employers must also be aware of the aftermath effects that may surface up post a long break from their job.
As humans, we all need a break from our hectic schedules and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
are no exception in this matter. While I believe that the above statement is true, it may not always be worth giving a longer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
holiday
to the employees.

Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
offer fringe benefits such as extended
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
holidays
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
'So as to' expresses purpose and is used in formal texts. Consider using "to"
so as to
motivate them to do better. A
highly
motivated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employee
is likely to perform much better than one who has a
significantly
low willpower.
Additionally
, viewing this issue in an everyday context, we know for a fact that ordinary
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are
also
more determined to complete a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
task if they
are bound
by a promise- to receive a reward upon the successful completion of the task.
Hence
, it is evident that an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employee
who
is motivated
with the
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
much needed
lengthy break would be more dedicated and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employers
can
surely
benefit from their input.

On the other side of the coin, if a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
holiday
extension
is offered
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
, they may become less serious about the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
they do.
For instance
, an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employee
who has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
returned from a
When a number forms part of an adjectival compound, use a hyphen: "2-week"
2 week
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
holiday
may have lost touch with their everyday works and may
simply
not be in the mood to resume their mundane routine. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they become resistant to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
holidays
and
gradually
lose interest in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
, resulting in a need for kick-
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
activities or the provision of financial incentives to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
them on-
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
track
.
Consequently
, business expenditure may escalate and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employers
may
eventually
incur a loss.

In a nutshell, I
strongly
believe that non-financial incentives like extra
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
holidays
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be offered
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
their spirits high and encourage them to excel in all aspects of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
life. That
being said
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
also
be aware of the aftermath effects that may surface up post a long break from their job.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that longer holidays must be given to employees so that they do heir job better. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
310 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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