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Some people believe that teenagers should be required to do unpaid community work in their free time. This can beneficial for teenagers and the community as well. Do you agree or disagree? v.7

Some people believe that teenagers should be required to do unpaid community work in their free time. This can beneficial for teenagers and the community as well. v. 7
Youngsters should improve their experience for future vocation and social life. One of the main means of achieving this goal is doing unpaid community job. In my opinion, it is necessary to be a member of these groups. This is a win-win game for both sides, teenagers and communities. Firstly, every individual need to learn how to communicate with the society. NGOs as organization teach students to have relationship in public with others, nature, and things around us. For example, tin recent years, thousands of tons of rubbish are collected from forests by the effort of these organizations in a teamwork and non-profit way. Although, some of this was sold to the recycling factories, but the income was used for other non-profit goals. Therefore, the first result of working with such groups is improving team work abilities and learn the better social and environmental behaviour. Secondly, these activities help communities to continue their life without spending too much money and achieving the aims. Moreover, Non-Governmental Organizations (NGO) should have a comprehensive road map to develop the individuals. For instance, if an organization leaves the volunteers alone with no transparent plans, not only it wastes their time, but also, they will be sentenced to extinction. Thus, it is a two-side sword for communities, whether they can improve or die. In conclusion, joining these clubs is profitable for both sides. It is agreed that is necessary to be a member of these associations. The only point is that, the time and money spend by the teenagers should be controlled by their parents for working in such communities.
Youngsters should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their experience for future vocation and social life. One of the main means of achieving this goal is doing unpaid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
job. In my opinion, it is necessary to be a member of these groups. This is a win-win game for both sides,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
and communities.

Firstly
, every individual need to learn how to communicate with the society. NGOs as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
organization
teach students to have relationship in public with others, nature, and things around us.
For example
, tin recent years, thousands of tons of rubbish
are collected
from forests by the effort of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
organizations
in a teamwork and non-profit way. Although,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of this
was sold
to the recycling factories,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the income was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for other non-profit goals.
Therefore
, the
first
result of working with such groups is improving team work abilities and learn the better social and environmental
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
.

Secondly
, these activities
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communities
to continue their life without spending too much money and achieving the aims.
Moreover
, Non-Governmental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Organizations
(NGO) should have a comprehensive road map to develop the individuals.
For instance
, if an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
organization
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leaves
the volunteers alone with no transparent plans, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
it wastes their time,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
, they will
be sentenced
to extinction.
Thus
, it is a two-side sword for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communities
, whether they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
die
.

In conclusion
, joining these clubs is profitable for both sides. It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agreed
that is
necessary to be a member of these associations. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
point is that, the time and money spend by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
should
be controlled
by their parents for working in such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communities
.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay Some people believe that teenagers should be required to do unpaid community work in their free time. This can beneficial for teenagers and the community as well. v. 7

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
265 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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