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Some people believe that it is the responsibility of individuals to take care of their own health and diet. Others however believe that governments should make sure that their citizens have a healthy diet. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.1

Some people believe that it is the responsibility of individuals to take care of their own health and diet. Others however believe that governments should make sure that their citizens have a healthy diet. v. 1
While some think that individuals are responsible for looking after wellbeing, there are others who argue that the authorities ought to play their role in ensuring this issue. However, I tend to agree that both of them should be involved in this process. This essay will discuss both sides of the argument. With regards to the individuals, they are often considered as the main factor in determining what diet and lifestyle would be choosen for themselves. This is mainly because their determination and knowledge on this topic is vital on this decision. For example, there are many people determinated to make exercises to stay fit and also who choose a healthy diet, which is mainly composed of green vegetables and low carbohydrates. So, it is their own desire and attitude which make the difference between a prominent and a harmful lifestyle. Although, the government encouraged these healthy option, people would be more likely to follow their own mindset. On the other hand, the authorities might be fully equipped with the proper means to promote healthy habits. Not only by raising awareness against the side-effects of unhealthy life, but also by imposing heavy taxes on sugary and fatty foods, they can orientate their citizens towards these choises. To illustrate this point, we can consider the case of Japan and Singapore, which educate children in school on how to be fit and healthy by motivating them on consuming organic foods. If the government did not give priority in this regards, their people`s well-being would be put in jeopardy, thus compromising their mental and physical health as well. In conclusion, although many attribute their well-beings solely to themselves, as individuals, others state that government should also be in charge for this issue. Personally, I advocate that both of them should commit to targets toward a healthy lifestyle.
While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that individuals are responsible for looking after
Possible spelling mistake found.
wellbeing
, there are others who argue that the authorities ought to play their role in ensuring this issue.
However
, I tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that both of them should
be involved
in this process. This essay will discuss both sides of the argument.

Use "in regard to", "with regard to", or more simply "regarding".
With regards to
the individuals, they are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
considered as the main factor in determining what diet and lifestyle would be
Possible spelling mistake found.
choosen
for themselves. This is
mainly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
their determination and knowledge on this topic is vital on this decision.
For example
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
Possible spelling mistake found.
determinated
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
exercises to stay fit and
also
who choose a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
diet, which is
mainly
composed of green vegetables and low carbohydrates.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, it is their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
desire and attitude which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the difference between a prominent and a harmful lifestyle. Although, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
encouraged these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
option,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
would be more likely to follow their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
mindset.

On the other hand
, the authorities might be
fully
equipped with the proper means to promote
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
habits. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
by raising awareness against the
Did you mean "side effects" (=adverse effect, unintended consequence)? Open compounds are not hyphenated.
side-effects
of unhealthy life,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
by imposing heavy taxes on sugary and fatty foods, they can orientate their citizens towards these
Possible spelling mistake found.
choises
. To illustrate this point, we can consider the case of Japan and Singapore, which educate children in school on how to
be fit
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
by motivating them on consuming organic foods. If the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
did not give priority in
Did you mean "these"?
this
regards, their
The character between 'people' and 's' is an accent character, not a standard apostrophe character. Use "people’s" (curly apostrophe) or "people's" (straight apostrophe).
people`s
well-being would
be put
in jeopardy,
thus
compromising their mental and physical health
as well
.

In conclusion
, although
Possible agreement error. The noun attribute seems to be countable; consider using: "many attributes".
many attribute
their well-beings
solely
to themselves, as individuals, others state that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should
also
be
The usual collocation for "in charge" is "of" not "for". Did you mean "in charge of"?
in charge for
this issue.
Personally
, I advocate that both of them should commit to targets toward a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
lifestyle.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
10Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that it is the responsibility of individuals to take care of their own health and diet. Others however believe that governments should make sure that their citizens have a healthy diet. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
304 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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