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Some people believe that it is more important to teach children the literature and history of their own country rather than the literature and history of other countries To what extent do you agree or disagree v.1

Some people believe that it is more important to teach children the literature and history of their own country rather than the literature and history of other countries v. 1
Nowadays, there are more and more female students enrolling art classes while males tend to opt for science subjects. There exist several obvious reasons behind this tendency and I believe that it should be altered in some circumstances. First of all, students’ preferences in different classes can be attributed to the requirements in each field. Generally, females with vivid imagination are more likely to take part in art courses, while science subjects such as physics or mathematics need considerable analytical abilities and logical thinking which are among the strengths of male students. Moreover, science-related fields require more physical abilities, concentration than others. For example, to successfully obtain a diploma in a medical course, a person needs to pass many exams including tons of experiments and dissertations to hand in and he or she is also overwhelmed with a lot of assignments within a short amount of time. However, I am of the opinion that this trend should be slightly changed. First and foremost, some science subjects are more suitable for girls than the opposite sex, which are classes requiring patience and meticulous preparation. Nursery perfectly exemplifies this reason. When a person wants to learn to become a nurse, especially when he or she has to care for the elderly, this person has to be considerate and take heed of even minor things. Furthermore, students should have free choices to choose their future paths. It is evident that nowadays some are learning particular subjects in schools or colleges just because of their parents’ wishes. This may cause resentment and discourage the students’ performances. In conclusion, the upsurge in the number of males entering science classes along with females’ participation in art fields can be understandable due to the aforementioned reasons and some alternation should be made to this tendency.
Nowadays, there are more and more female
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
enrolling art
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
classes
while males tend to opt for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
. There exist several obvious reasons behind this tendency and I believe that it should
be altered
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
circumstances.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students’
preferences in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
classes
can
be attributed
to the requirements in each field.
Generally
, females with vivid imagination are more likely to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
in art courses, while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
such as physics or mathematics need considerable analytical abilities and logical thinking which are among the strengths of male
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
.
Moreover
, science-related fields require more physical abilities, concentration than others.
For example
, to
successfully
obtain a diploma in a medical course, a person needs to pass
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
exams including tons of experiments and dissertations to hand
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
in and
he or she is
also
overwhelmed with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
assignments within a short amount of time.

However
, I am of the opinion that this trend should be
slightly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
.
First
and foremost,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
are more suitable for girls than the opposite sex, which are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
classes
requiring patience and meticulous preparation. Nursery
perfectly
exemplifies this reason. When a person wants to learn to become a nurse,
especially
when he or she
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
care for the elderly, this person
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
be considerate and take heed of even minor things.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
should have free choices to choose their future paths. It is evident that nowadays
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
are learning particular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
in schools or colleges
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their parents’ wishes. This may cause resentment and discourage the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students’
performances.

In conclusion
, the upsurge in the number of males entering
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
classes
along with females’ participation in art fields can be understandable due to the aforementioned reasons and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
alternation should
be made
to this tendency.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Learn a language, and you’ll avoid a war.
Arab Proverb

IELTS essay Some people believe that it is more important to teach children the literature and history of their own country rather than the literature and history of other countries v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
298 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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