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It is more important for schoolchildren to learn about local history than world history. To what extent to you agree or disagree? v.7

It is more important for schoolchildren to learn about local history than world history. v. 7
Nowadays, the role of gadgets have been dramatically increased in our daily lives. People use them for official engagements as well as for entertainment purposes. Hence, a debate going on whether to enjoy at the fullest people should watch films on these cell phones or other devices, or it is rather better to visit theatres. This essay will discuss the merits and demerits of both the views and draw a plausible conclusion on that basis. Firstly, watching films at home on your personal gadgets is one of the most common ways to get relaxed. In this way, people do not need to invest time to travel and to bear the unexpected traffic. Furthermore, viewers can snuggle up comfortably in their sofas and enjoy their favorite piece of art. For example, if somebody wants to watch an old movie that is not being displayed for the public for so long, it can be seen on personal screens in a moment. Thus, people's preferences have been changing gradually. However, on the other hand, some people believe that one can not be entertained fully unless he watches on big screens of cinemas. Films are not made to be watched on tiny screens. For example, sound effects and the use of graphics can not be felt on smart devices. Hence, it ruins the whole efforts of directors and producers and increases the disappointments of end-users. To sum up, although people are divided and have diversified opinions. But, I undoubtedly believe that in order to enjoy a movie at the fullest, movie- lovers should go to the cinemas so as to entertain the best.
Nowadays, the role of gadgets
Possible agreement error
have
been
dramatically
increased in our daily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
them for official engagements
as well
as for entertainment purposes.
Hence
, a debate going on whether to enjoy at the fullest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
films on these cell phones or other devices, or it is
rather
better to visit
Possible spelling mistake. 'theatres' is British English.
theatres
. This essay will discuss the merits and demerits of both the views and draw a plausible conclusion on that basis.

Firstly
, watching films at home on your personal gadgets is one of the most common ways to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
relaxed. In this way,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not need to invest time to travel and to bear the unexpected traffic.
Furthermore
, viewers can snuggle up
comfortably
in their sofas and enjoy their favorite piece of art.
For example
, if somebody wants to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
movie
that is
not
being displayed
for the public for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
long, it can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
on personal screens in a moment.
Thus
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's preferences have been changing
gradually
.

However
,
on the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that one can not
be entertained
fully
unless he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watches
on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
screens of cinemas. Films are not made to be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watched
on tiny screens.
For example
, sound effects and the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of graphics can not
be felt
on smart devices.
Hence
, it ruins the whole efforts of directors and producers and increases the disappointments of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
-users.

To sum up, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are divided
and have diversified opinions.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, I
undoubtedly
believe that in order to enjoy a movie at the fullest, movie- lovers should go to the cinemas
'So as to' expresses purpose and is used in formal texts. Consider using "to"
so as to
entertain the best.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay It is more important for schoolchildren to learn about local history than world history. v. 7

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
269 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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