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Some people believe that it is good to do multiple jobs. while other believe that it is better to focus on one job. do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some people believe that it is good to do multiple jobs. while other believe that it is better to focus on one job. v. 1
In today's world, people judge the person based upon the social status and materialistic possessions one has. There is no much importance given to traditional values such as honour, kindness or trust. I strongly oppose this trend and do not agree that this should be the criteria to judge someone's worth and this essay attempts to discuss the same. Respect is shared upon the social status someone beholds which is, in turn dependent upon the type of job or the designation of the person in the company. It increases the net worth of a man as he/she can afford more expensive articles according to many. Neighbours consider them worthy to be living near their house only if they have a strong financial position. For instance, sharing my personal experience, some of the people living near my house only interacted with me once they got to know that I have a job. Hence, this proves that money is more important in the eyes of people. Honesty or kindness is the attribute present in the nature of person. Earlier, people used to respect such individuals who possessed such features. Even today, some people like to have such kind of persons living near them as they can rely on their help and can share their personal problems as well. For example, if there is some issue related to health or finance, one can connect with those people to get some advice. However, there is a very small proportion of the population who adores people with these qualities. To conclude, aforementioned points don sum up that person's worth is judged upon the societal status and expensive, exotic items one possess. There is not much heed given to old fashioned values and I totally disagree with it. As per me, these values or attributes stay with the person forever, whereas money may or may not be there always.
In
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's world,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
judge the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
based upon the social status and materialistic possessions one has. There is
Did you mean "now" (=at this moment) instead of 'no' (negation)?
no
much importance
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
to traditional values such as
Possible spelling mistake. 'honour' is British English.
honour
, kindness or trust. I
strongly
oppose this trend and do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that this should be the criteria to judge someone's worth and this essay attempts to discuss the same.

Respect
is shared
upon the social status someone beholds which is, in turn dependent upon the type of job or the designation of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
. It increases the net worth of a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
as he/she can afford more expensive articles according to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
.
Possible spelling mistake. 'Neighbours' is British English.
Neighbours
consider them worthy to be living near their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
if they have a strong financial position.
For instance
, sharing my personal experience,
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
living near my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
interacted with me once they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
to know that I have a job.
Hence
, this proves that money is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
in the eyes of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

Honesty or kindness is the attribute present in the nature of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
. Earlier,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to respect such individuals who possessed such features. Even
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
like to have such kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
persons
living near them as they can rely on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
and can share their personal problems
as well
.
For example
, if there is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
issue related to health or finance, one can connect with those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
advice.
However
, there is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
proportion of the population who adores
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with these qualities.

To conclude
, aforementioned points don sum up that person's worth
is judged
upon the societal status and expensive, exotic items one possess. There is not much heed
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
to
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
old fashioned
values and I
totally
disagree with it. As per me, these values or attributes stay with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
forever, whereas money may or may not be there
The adverb 'always' is usually not used at the end of a sentence.
always
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Language is the blood of the soul into which thoughts run and out of which they grow.
Oliver Wendell Holmes

IELTS essay Some people believe that it is good to do multiple jobs. while other believe that it is better to focus on one job. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
313 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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