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Some people think that art subject is important for children in schools while, other believe that it is waste of time. Discuss both side views and give your opinion. v.1

Some people think that art subject is important for children in schools while, other believe that it is waste of time. v. 1
Education is essential in everyone’s life nowadays. So, people required to educate themselves at least up to the age of 18. In my opinion, they can gain basic education and develops their mental ability. To commence with, if masses study until the age of 18, they can get primary education. This could not only help them in their day-to-day life, but also act as a base to study higher education. For example, in a survey conducted by The Tribune, it is found that people who completed their basic education are more efficiently spending their lives as compared to others who do not. Besides, almost 50% of them got higher degrees in different fields. Hence, basic knowledge is vital to survive and to gain a higher qualification. Moreover, when individuals educate themselves, it sharpens their intellect and improves their critical thinking as well as logical thinking. Therefore, there is an overall development of their brain, which may make their future bright. For instance, primary education is compulsory for all the people in Canada, as a result, the employment rate is 90% which is more than the other nations where the employment rate is below 60%. Thus basic education reduces the unemployment rate by making them capable. To summarize, education is necessary for everyone as it gives vital them knowledge to survive, and it also helps them to acquire a reputed job by developing their mental ability. According to me, people should educate themselves until they reach the age of eighteen years.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Education
is essential in everyone’s life nowadays.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
required to educate themselves at least up to the age of 18. In my opinion, they can gain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
basic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
and develops their mental ability.

To commence with, if masses study until the age of 18, they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
primary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
. This could not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them in their day-to-day life,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
act as a base to study higher
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
.
For example
, in a survey conducted by The Tribune, it
is found
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who completed their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
basic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
are more
efficiently
spending their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
as compared to others who do not.
Besides
, almost 50% of them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
higher degrees in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
fields.
Hence
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
basic
knowledge is vital to survive and to gain a higher qualification.

Moreover
, when individuals educate themselves, it sharpens their intellect and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improves
their critical thinking
as well
as logical thinking.
Therefore
, there is an
overall
development of their brain, which may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their future bright.
For instance
, primary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
is compulsory for all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in Canada,
as a result
, the employment rate is 90% which is more than the other nations where the employment rate is below 60%.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
basic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduces
the unemployment rate by making them capable.

To summarize
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
is necessary for everyone as it gives vital them knowledge to survive, and it
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them to acquire a reputed job by developing their mental ability.
This phrase can sound awkward in English. Consider using "in my opinion" or "I think".
According to me
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should educate themselves until they reach the age of eighteen years.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that art subject is important for children in schools while, other believe that it is waste of time. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
250 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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