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Some people believe that it is essential to include Physical Education classes in the curriculum for all school-age children. Others think that children's time is better spent on more academic subjects. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. v.1

Some people believe that it is essential to include Physical Education classes in the curriculum for all school-age children. Others think that children's time is better spent on more academic subjects. v. 1
There are different opinions about education all around the world. This can be explained by differences in traditions, culture and country needs. Indeed, many people claim that the balance between academic classes and physical education can never be the same. Nowadays, obesity is on the rise and studies affirm that children are up to 40 percent less active than they were twenty years ago. Lack of safe places for children to play outside and too much time spent playing video games or on mobile phones are often blamed for this. Therefore, there is a greater need than ever before for children to spend time at school doing physical education. Furthermore, several studies attest to the fact that doing physical exercise actually improves academic performance. Whereas, for children who are less academically-minded, there should be a chance to explore other types of vocation not linked directly to academia. On the other hand, there is still an enormous need for more labour in the sectors of STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering and Mathematics) and with the growing world population, society is becoming more competitive as a whole; hence the need for good grades and entrance into higher education to find a highly paid job. Others simply argue that it is up to parents to make sure their children have enough exercise, not educational bodies. To sum up, it is undeniable that studying core subjects such as mathematics, foreign languages and science, for example, is essential for children to function in today's society. However, we need to give our kids the chance to decide by themselves what they want to do. We can't make them become scientists or sportspeople if they don't want to, but we can help them to moderate their time to stay healthy and still be well-educated. I personally believe a balance must be struck in the curriculum and physical education must have a place in children's school life.
There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
opinions about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
all around the world. This can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explained
by differences in traditions, culture and country
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
.
Indeed
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
claim that the balance between academic classes and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
can never be the same.

Nowadays, obesity is on the rise and studies affirm that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are up to 40 percent less active than they were twenty years ago. Lack of safe places for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to play outside and too much time spent playing video games or on mobile phones are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
blamed for this.
Therefore
, there is a greater
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
than ever
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to spend time at school doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
.
Furthermore
, several studies attest to the fact that doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
exercise actually
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improves
academic performance. Whereas, for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who are less
academically
-minded, there should be a chance to explore other types of vocation not linked
directly
to academia.

On the other hand
, there is
still
an enormous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
for more
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
in the sectors of STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering and Mathematics) and with the growing world population, society is becoming more competitive as a whole;
hence
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
grades and entrance into higher
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
to find a
highly
paid job. Others
simply
argue that it is up to parents to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
sure their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
exercise, not educational bodies.

To sum up, it is undeniable that studying core subjects such as mathematics, foreign languages and science,
for example
, is essential for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to function in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's society.
However
, we
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to give our kids the chance to decide by themselves what they want to do. We can't
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them become scientists or sportspeople if they don't want to,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to moderate their time to stay healthy and
still
be well-educated. I
personally
believe a balance
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be struck
in the curriculum and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
have a place in children's school life.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
20Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that it is essential to include Physical Education classes in the curriculum for all school-age children. Others think that children's time is better spent on more academic subjects. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
318 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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