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Some people believe that international news should be included in the syllabus of secondary school students. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some people believe that international news should be included in the syllabus of secondary school students. v. 1
It is a fact that all nation of the world are developing at present. Advancement of the technology and transportation are available in all over the world. More and more people use internet communication sites and transportation for progressive the life better, because of this they are enable to work and live anywhere they want around the world. There are many advantages and certain drawbacks of this phenomena. I will discuss the pros and cons of the growth of communication machinery and vehicles in the upcoming paragraph before any specific conclusion. To start with the advent of telecommuting and transportation has many merits. First of all, people know very well, today the life of human has very significant in all countries, they use automachines in their daily basis for the develop's life. Like as individuals want to stay connected with each other with the help of technology, owing to using their smartphones, computers. To illustrate, Airtel and Jio offer free voice and video calls to the people for staying connected with each other, which is saved the time of human. They can obtain work sitting their home where they are able to take the work of their companies. In addition to this, it makes the work and living conditions is easier. Because technology has made many softwares for the layman like as whatsapp, imo and many more, which are generating chat and video calls and interesting part of group conference video call. Therefore, it is a good way for living and working of people in all over the world. Furthermore, current transportation is a hold the value of ancient vehicles in many way. To site and example, innovations have made many vehicles for moving one place to other place. Such as aeroplanes, ships, motorcycles and many more. It enhances the work of the employees, because when they use transportation like trains. It saves the time of people. Instead of 5 hours, they are able to extra work in their life. They can earn more and more wages rather than before. So, the growth of telecommuting and transportation is the best for living and work by the people around the world. On the contrary side, despite of advantages, it has certain disadvantages. They become lazy and addicte some diseases. For instance, it is well know fact that automation are providing the entertainment resources and vehicles, people use them in not limit, which is influence on the people. People forget using to bicycle as well as a spending time with the people. When they use the transportation system. It spreads the fossil fuels, which not only impact on the people, but also environment. To conclude, even though technology of communication system and transport has modified for the development of human, which has many advantages, yet it has certain disadvantages, which are perilous for the environment. I deem that it has more advantages which are overweight to the disadvantages.
It is a fact that all nation of the world are developing at present. Advancement of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
transportation
are available in all over the world. More and more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
internet communication sites and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
transportation
for progressive the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
better,
because of this
they are
Consider using a past participle here: "enabled".
enable
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
anywhere they want around the world. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advantages
and certain drawbacks of
Did you mean "these"?
this
phenomena. I will discuss the pros and cons of the growth of communication machinery and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
vehicles
in the upcoming paragraph
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
any specific conclusion.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
with the advent of telecommuting and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
transportation
has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
merits.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
know
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
well,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
of human has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
significant in all countries, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
Possible spelling mistake found.
automachines
in their daily basis for the
Do not use 's with a verb. Did you mean "develops"?
develop's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. Like as individuals want to stay connected with each other with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
, owing to using their smartphones, computers. To illustrate, Airtel and
Possible spelling mistake found.
Jio
offer free voice and video calls to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
for staying connected with each other, which
is saved
the time of human. They can obtain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
sitting their home where they are able to take the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
.
In addition
to this, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and living conditions is easier.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
has made
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
Possible spelling mistake found.
softwares
for the layman like as
Possible spelling mistake found.
whatsapp
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
imo
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
more, which are generating chat and video calls and interesting part of group conference video call.
Therefore
, it is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
way for living and working of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in all over the world.

Furthermore
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
transportation
is a hold the value of ancient
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
vehicles
in
Possible agreement error. The noun way seems to be countable; consider using: "many ways".
many way
. To site and example, innovations have made
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
vehicles
for moving one place to other place. Such as
Possible spelling mistake. 'aeroplanes' is British English.
aeroplanes
, ships, motorcycles and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
more. It enhances the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
of the employees,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
when they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
transportation
like trains. It saves the time of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Instead
of 5 hours, they are able to extra
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. They can earn more and more wages
rather
than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, the growth of telecommuting and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
transportation
is the best for living and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
around the world.

On the contrary
side,
Did you mean "despite" (or, alternatively, 'in spite of')?
despite of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advantages
, it has certain disadvantages. They become lazy and
Possible spelling mistake found.
addicte
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
diseases.
For instance
, it is
Did you mean "well-known"?
well know
fact that automation are providing the entertainment resources and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
vehicles
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
them in not limit, which is influence on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
forget using to bicycle
as well
as a spending time with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
“When” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
When
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
transportation
system. It spreads the fossil fuels, which not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
impact on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
environment.

To conclude
,
even though
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
of communication system and transport has modified for the development of human, which has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advantages
,
yet
it has certain disadvantages, which are perilous for the environment. I deem that it has more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advantages
which are overweight to the disadvantages.
17Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
41Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
15Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that international news should be included in the syllabus of secondary school students. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
486 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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